already dead?

for about 9 or so years i had lived in a small judgmental town.. i was continuesly bullied.. to the piont where the only friend i had were the plenty of cuts on my arm… i thaught if people felf sorry for me maybe they would be nice.. stupidest mistake i ever made.. it only got worse.. i attempted cuicide and ended up in the hospital.. they all beleaved it was fake.. i went by emo, slut , cocksuking *****, druggie, crazi skitzofranic, and other.. i was suspended tree times of drug use ..and had stoped coming to school.. one day i was put in the councelers office for cutting my arm .. a counceler verbally abused me.. telling me how stupid, fat, depressed and i quote darranged i was, later i was suspeended again and never went back.. i was on drugs for most my long summer.. soon even mdma cudnt make me happy.. i had a boyfriend who always had me on drugs didnt care for me.. and used me for sex.. my mom never had money … so i decided my life was over and id move with her.. so i could stop the drugs.. when i moed to the city .. i got involed with a dangourous dating sight. filled with perves rapist and proebly killers… i am 14 years of age.. i was seduced by a number atleast of nine.. guys age form 19-26 …the cutting got worse . when they all had convined me to hav sex with them ..promiced thed call me and still be my fiend ..and go out again.. well they never had called me.. i had given in for nothing.. then it hit me .. i was all alone in the world .. and i cant trust anyone.. i hav been sexualy active for a year.. i hav been with 14 men… not even half of witch i had said yes to.. none of witch exept for 2 where legal.. 3 of witch i dated .. a man i was on a date with had gotten me wasted ..and seduced me.. the other night i was with some friends and i had an anxiety attack.. i had in way relived the rape… i had walked douw the same road it was near.. everthing was the same … i now hav attacks daily … an i am raped in my dreams almost every night.. i had enough.. so i went lezbian .. i had a happy relationship with a beutiful  girl for almost two months.. and its the only time in my life ive ever been really happy.. it has been 1 week ..and ive already ended up in two places i was raped .. i cant tell if its my imagination but theres this guy ive seen twice today.. i think he was one of them.. what was i gaining? wht did i do this to myself.. thats the worst part of all.. it was me it was my mistake.. i hav to suffer for it i hav to live.. i used to be a little girl .. i used to have dreams … i used to be able to sing amazingly… i used to smile… i used to not be coverd in scars.. i used to be able to cope without drugs… i used to enjoy school.. but everyhting … was taken from me… now i do nothing.. i cant sleep unless i smoke weed… i cant cope either.. i cant sing from the ciggerettes.. my life is going knowhere its in a loop.. but you know what .. last night i had a dream .. he drove off.. and never stoped driving.. and i never came home… atleast im home he raped me in the back seat… he could have killed me in the back seat.. im inside im warm… i dont hav extra money my mom is streased for work… but im in a house .. i hav food in the fridge.. i may feel like now .. i was left with nothing.. but …what i have now.. is i have feelings .. i have awareness… i know who i am cause ive been through the shit.. what if everthing was different what if … there is no better … no matter what.. it will always be shit.. for everyone.. were all bleeding ..all scared.. we just have to find one another.. if i can go out and be around people i care about and feel wanted and safe..and not feel judged.. and laugh and smile again…ther is a cure for every wound.. maybe all it takes is a little caring.. if i can find atleast oe place in the world i can only be happy .. ive found enoguh .. and anyone can do anyhting..