((sorry that this is song long… p.s i hav the tendency to write “have” as “hav” and “back” as “bac” and “you” as “yu”))
I’m new to this site. The fact that I found it by accident or fate I hav no clue yet. I might as well start writing because it seems that it does help at least from what friends hav told me to do. I’m taking their advice to figure things out and try to help myself through things that I do go through and think negatively about.
Where to begin… well I hav tried to commit suicide before by cutting and taking pills. Things were so bad and seemed to only get worst. I’ve talked to friends bac in the past about my depression and suicidal thoughts that I would constantly get. I thought it was gone and I think my thoughts of suicide hav returned. I get scared about being home alone and feeling that crushing feeling of being alone forever. I’m trying to figure out what triggers my thoughts maybe an event like today is something that causes the thoughts to come bac.
I got into another argument with my mom… I think that’s one of the things that trigger the thoughts to return. Anyways I tend to space out while trying to help out around the house since I don’t hav a job at the moment and hav to maintain a good course through my 7th quarter of college. I don’t know why I space out the way that I do but I just do. I don’t mean to do it either it just happens. I forgot to finish up with the dishes again and that set my mum off. She started to get mad again and tell me things she’s said before. I always cry when she gets mad because I don’t mean to make her mad at all. I don’t me to be so forgetful it just happens. I can’t always be perfect with her and I just wish I could talk to her normally without it seeming like a never ending argument.
I hav so much weighing on my mind when it does come to my mum though.
I wonder if I should try talking to her about the suicidal actions that I hav made or the thoughts that go through my mind.
I wonder if she treats me differently because I’m a lesbian and my younger sister in college is straight.
I wonder if I’m just not good enough to be how she expects me to be.
I wonder if it would just be easier for her if I wasn’t around to make her upset all the time.
I wonder if I’m just pathetic.
I’m not sure anymore about what to do. Should I try talking to my mum about how I used to cut and think about dying? Do you think that would help both me and her try to not argue with each other about piety things such as daily chores? I’m scared to talk to her, scared to see her face when the word suicide slips from my lips. Maybe I just need a bit of courage… I dunno.
3 comments
Hey there. To be honest it may be in your best interests to talk to your mother about it. I do not know your mother so that’s still a hard call to make, definitely use your best judgment. If you have any close friends you can confide in, I’d also encourage that. For me personally I also have many problems with my parents, even yesterday for example, I got back from the uni just to clean after my sisters dog for 4hrs because she simply refuses to. And of course when they get home I get shit. I know for myself that moving out will definitely make things a lot better for myself, and all I have to do is tough it out until uni is over. Hope at least one things help here. I kind of lost my train of thought… I think I had more to say… Sorry :s.
Does your mum know that you space out? It’s possible that she gets mad at you because she’s worried about you. Sooner or later you’ll probably end up living on your own and if you can’t do basic chores then she’s going to worry that you won’t be able to look after yourself and will end up ill or dead. She may get on your case more because you’re the eldest so she feels she has less time to get you ready than your sister. Similarly with you being a lesbian – she may fear that you’ll have a harder life than your sister so she wants to make sure that you’ll be ok. It may all be coming from a place of love – at least I hope it is since that will mean she’s more likely to listen to you if you talk to her. Perhaps you could try talking about the smaller stuff – the spacing out and forgetting things and feeling sad – and see how she takes that before mentioning suicidal thoughts.
Take it one step at a time and see how things go. At least if you try, you’ll know if you can talk to her about this kind of thing. Does that make sense? Either way, good luck.
I have similar issues with my family. I forget to start or finish a chore or request and then get yelled at for being lazy and selfish. I have never cut but I have attempted suicide. The counsellor I saw at school told my mum and she flipped out and turned it all around on me, asking how I thought it made her feel to hear about my issues from the school psych. Which, of course, didn’t help any. For me, telling my mother was not helpful, but your relationship with your mother is different to mine with my mother. I think finding a way to tell her would be beneficial so long as you can find a way to do it without sounding like you’re throwing the admission in her face. As to how that’s done, I have no clue because I suck at emotional conversations and emotional connection. I hope things get better for you. I also find that my suicidal tendencies rear their heads when I have arguments with family. The only place I can vent is here. Thank you for sharing your story here. It lets me know that even though I feel like I am alone, I’m not alone in it.