I want to vanish without a trace.

7pm on Jan 2, 2012.

I’m alone, in my room – lights off. Just me, and the music I’m listening to. This is the first time I’ve felt.. alone in a long time. I thought I had gotten use to the feeling. But no, apparently not. My Grandpa is in his room – right across the hall.. yet it feels like miles between us. I’m scared. Of my mind; the thoughts swirling around in the chaos.

To be honest, my life isn’t horrid.

I’ve thought about killing myself multiple times. I cut – but nothing serious. I don’t know if I want to die.. or just vanish. Hell.. I don’t even know if there’s a difference between those two things.

I’m seeing a therapist – but it’s not really helping any.

I mask my emotions when I venture into the world. I feel like I should be put in a room, away from society. Away from the ‘normal’ world. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Yet somehow – by the way I speak – I do. I don’t mean to sound pretentious.. or like I’m on a high horse.  I’m not. Really! If someone asks me for advice, I try to help. But apparently I do more harm than good.

I just want to disappear.

I can’t cry. I’m not sure why though. I laugh whenever I’m in pain.. surely that’s not right. I use sarcasm when I mention something bad that’s happened in my life to friends. I try to cover it up and I worry about how they feel. HA! That’s kind of funny isn’t it? Here I am – as messed up and falling apart.. yet, I’m worrying about how they’re feeling? I don’t understand it either.
I’m not sure why I feel the way I do. I just..

I want to disappear. So, so bad.