lie to the pain

For seven years now ive been lieing  to myself believing things would get better, people would change….my efforts to hold on would pay off….but ive hit a point where everything has lost meaning and hope….my thoughts of suicide are my only form of happiness now…my life has lost value i no longer see the point in waken up….i cant escape my thoughts no matter how hard i try….everyone doesnt   realize the hurt i feel n why its so easy for me to jus not care about anything…they take it as a  joke n use me as an escape from their lives….ive tried to reach out for help….but its like a sick joke…ill only get help if i have something to give but im all used up….im empty n cold…i cant lie anymore things wont get better, people wont change and holding on only drags the pain on…..my mom jus uses me for the pills i can get from my doctor, idk if the person i think is my dad might not even be my dad but it doesnt even matter cuz it wasnt like he was in my life….my gf  says she loves me but still cheats on me…she was my last hope i put everything i had left into this relationship n idk if im to much or not enough for her….like i said my thoughts of suicide my only form of happiness…i find an un-explainable joy in the thought of me bleeding to death or crashing my car…i jus dont want to hurt anyone so now im intentionaly pushing away all my loved ones n maken them hate me…ive really lost all hope