Here goes nothing.

I guess I’ll open up my story, for whoever wants to read i guess. For the past years, i have been in such a long term depression. (on & off.) I’ve never ever been truly happy, for no less than 2 weeks or to where I didn’t even know what sad was anymore. It’s actually the other way around, i feel like i can’t even tell what happiness is. Ever since i was born, my dad was a big alcoholic. Always came home with a brown bag of liquor after work, and always stayed in his room. Telling my siblings and I, that he was going to take a “nap”. I didn’t understand then because I was just a little girl, about 7-8 years old. I understood what drinking was, but didn’t see what the reason was of it. Basically, this was a routine everyday, my dad would come home and drink until he passed out, leaving my older sisters to take care of me and my older brother that was only just about 2 years older. My dad didn’t pass out all the time, but he sure did like to be drunk around us, and didn’t care about shit. So a girlfriend of his comes along, making his drinking problem even worse. They always got drunk together, and fought & never usually sober. Shortly after she had to be dragged out of the house, & forced to leave, she committed suicide and succeeded.  Wonder how that happened. She’s gone and my dad’s problem got worse, and worse. Always blaring music in the house at night when I’m trying to get some sleep to go to school. 

One day, my older cousin comes over to hang out. he was about my age then, (17-18.) and wanted to hang out with my brother just because. I was still the same age or just a little older. I was about 11-12 years old. Hanging out with both of them cause I was just being the cute little girl I was, wanting to hang out with family like normal. My cousin asks me if he can talk to me for a minute in a different room. My dad was in his room, drinking. I was in the bathroom with him, asking him what he wanted to talk to me about. He told me to pull down my pants, & bend over. So basically i got raped by him. I didn’t know what was going on or what he did to me. Because back then, i didn’t understand what sex was ? how was i supposed to know. All i did was play with barbies, & color in coloring books. So being the bastard that he was, he got what he wanted and left. 

I moved in with my mom a few years after, so i thought i could have a better life. I was dead wrong. I was a freshman in high school, got bullied from elementary until freshman year. I was always the ugly/fat girl with braces. Every one made fun of me and i thought it was it for me. I have so many scars on my arms from harming myself. My mom caught me one day and threatened to take me into a mental hospital. Grounded me for 4 months. We never got along, always trouble at school, and at home. Every fucking day. I never thought this would end. My mom and I are so much alike we fought every day. Grounded me all the time, and everything. Every time i tried to fight back with her, things got worse. She would hit me, and next thing you know, she dragged me down the stairs by my hair. Never stopped. I hated living with her so much. One day my dad finally recovered. Me and my mom got in the worse fight ever, and that day was done. My head was bleeding, bruises on my face and on my back and arms. I felt so terrible. My eyes were so sore from crying, but I moved back to my dads.

Everything was better over there for a little while. Enrolled to a new school and everything. I hated it more than anything, and everything. STILL got made fun of. I didn’t even know what I did. Shit got bad at home again, so I tried committing suicide numerous times. Failed.

Senior Year..

I thought everything was going good, lost weight & got prettier. Got numbers from guys, and girls. (yes, I’m bisexual.) and i felt like everything was perfect. Bad times come around again at home, fighting with my dad and ***** ass stepmom. My stepmom loathes me. Doesn’t even have a care in the world for me. OH, my dad and my stepmom had a kid. So i feel like i don’t ever get attention anymore, i feel like the red headed step child. Then I met this girl named Megan. Sweet as ever, and sooo fucking cute. I had started to like her a lot. Things went down hill, and my heart was broken. We both liked each other, and i got so excited that she liked me back that i pushed her away. I never had a relationship in my life. That’s why i did stuff for her, got her valentines chocolates, and a long letter about how i felt so much for her. She was so broken by the last relationship, that i feel like she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. I feel so hurt. My chest always hurts because how upset i am. The fact that i have drama going on at school, home, and broken from this ? I tried running away. packed my shit and everything. I failed because i fell to my knees and started crying. prayed so hard, and i keep praying things will get better. always have, and i feel like nothing is getting any better.

Might be writing a suicide note later, so this is probably the 2nd to last thing I’ll be writing.