for about 5 years now i have had a struggle with depression, and only in the past 2 years or so have people found out about it. i’ve attempted to kill myself several times but never found the strangth to do it.
when people first found out about my depression they where absolutely shocked. It didn’t make sense to them, i was always the one helping other people with their problems. Hell i wanted to be a social worker or child psychologist for the sole reason of helping people with those problems. But now…. now everything just looks bleak.
today after a fairly minor argument with my parents i held a belt up to my neck once again, planning on hanging from the rafters.
first i pulled the belt as tight as i could against my neck, feeling little to no pain, but i was still able to breath.
i know hanging is not a good way to go, hell i know sometimes its downright painful, but at that moment it seemed like the optimal choice.
i dont know what to do any more, the last time i felt content with anything was 3 months ago, and since then i’ve been cheated on, pulled out of school, and left to sit in my basement feeling sorry for myself.
i HATE this feeling.
it feels like all thats left in my life is to put that noose around my neck.
ive lost 20 pounds in the past month due to lack of appitite, i can’t focus on anything for more than half an hour, so school is still out of the question, but all i feel is pressure.
my parents think im going to get better, they think im going to be able to go back to school and back to work. they think that im cured and im just being lazy by sitting in my bed, but quiet frankly its hard to even think about doing anything.
as a quick fix ive been using pot to try and cope with issues, but it no longer works. The town never has any and when it does i lack a place to smoke it. In the past it seemed to calm me down to the point where i wouldn’t hold that noose up high, but now…. now it just feels like an escape, and i know thats not healthy.
Im out of options, i would HATE to call a self help line because i don’t like my family worrying about me and they would be able to hear me talking and crying upstairs.
i can’t really find a purpose in life anymore, anything that makes me happy is slowly slipping away.
i need help.
and thats why i came here.
i don’t know why i feel this way, i really shouldn’t. ive lived a happy life so far, and have great parents who atleast make an attempt to help, but i do.
i really hope someone here can offer some sort of advice.
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7 comments
I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist because I think medication could really help you. I’ve seen it do wonders for people. I hope the best for you and i do understand. I feel like that too sometimes.
i was on Prozac for a year and i am starting something else (i forget the name, it started with an s and was simular to seritonin or something) but so far they have both been ineffective (prozac made me feel much, much worse with violent mood swings)
you are feeling quite like me,,, im like what you’ve said,, nothing interests me and dont want to do anything couldnt do anything.. these days i felt so stucked so i played playing piano again because at least im playing, i can forget any feelings but what i need is the right way for me to pursue,, it maybe related to my own love to life but as you do im on my way still.. lets cheer up ! n please do share your worries with me!! maybe we could get it out if we are getting it through together !!
Honestly you just described me perfectly all the way down to to the pot I know your pain. I feel as if it would help both of us if we could talk. Its incredible how similaire our stories are. And just from the little you wrote I feel a great deal of respect for you your life is important plz if you want to contact me ill be checking this 24/7 im begging you It wont go away on its own. And for whats its worth I dont even know you very well but I care about you and suiside is just not the answer I promise plz contact me if you want my phone number you can have.
Hey Robert,
If you are having trouble with SSRI’s….you should really have a psych evaluation done….some “issues” do not respond to all meds. You say you are depressed….and that I understand only tooo well…but do you also have anxiety or dread or fear?….but seriously….you have to get up and move…or you may never move again….I know it’s hard….but there is a reason for everything…including your current struggle. Death seems like the easy answer…but it really isn’t. I just hope the drug you’re talking about isn’t Surmontil. I have struggled with severe depression and a GAD for over 35 years….it seems like it should be the end….but guess what….it could just be you’re getting ready for a new beginning…ever think of it that way?
Namaste
Amakua
I have talked to a coneseller for about 6 months, this was before i started the prozac. She was unsure about my psych as i had to do some testing for ADD/ADHD, and i tested decently high on it, although comparitivly to people i know with a good case of ADD, im nothing.
in response to delta and cindy, i wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to, ive always found talking really helps.
sorry if im slow to resond, some days i just dont feel like logging in :/
Robert, email me at deltaseal97@yahoo.com i will talk to you there.