Hi,
I’m Arnaud and I’m 20 years old.
If you ask me what I think about my life I can only say that it sucks. I don’t know what to do.
Most people see me as a happy person with lots of humor, a nice smile and lots of friends. That’s nice because it is exactly what I want to show to my friends and family. I don’t want them to worry for me because I know they can’t do anything to help me.
When people ask me questions like: “what is your goal in life?†or “what is your biggest dream?†I reply: “buying an Island in the Indian Ocean, build a house and live all alone on my island. Far away from everything and everyone.†Most of the time they think it is a joke. Why would I do this? ME! The boy from a good family with lots of friends and a good future.
I know that lots of people would like to have my life but I hate it, because deep inside me  there is something my friends and my family can help me throwing away.
Since primary school I feel like not fitting in. I hate this world and I hate this society. If you’re not a casual type that fit in line you’re an outcast.
In primary school I felt alone because everything I liked was not the same as the rest. In all those years I had one good friend outside the school. When I ended primary school and went to high school, my parents decided to move away. I lost my friend and had to change from high school. The real nightmare began this period. The new high school I ended in was horrible. I was bullied like never before and that just because I was a bit different. My parents were also so happy that we moved away from the city that they didn’t want to understand my pain. I was alone again. I gain lots of weight and thought more and more about suicide.
When my parents realized after 3 years that I had to change from high school again. I thought it would be over. It wasn’t. the bullying began again. It was only a few people but it never stopped till they left the school themselves.
My friends from outside school didn’t know this or couldn’t help me.
2 years ago I found love. I felt good with that girl. She was not like my other girlfriends. Not long ago I realized or whole relationship was a lie and I was just a toy for her that she could manipulate. She broke me and I still love her.
All that bulling just because I was a bit different made me lose all my self esteem and self confidence. Even if everything is over now I still feel like I’m not fitting in. you can change a lot of things, but you can’t change the world. That world that hated me and that I hate.
In all those years I made a sort of cocoon around myself and screwed up a lot of things.
I’m really often scared to continue discovering new things and meet new people. I’m scared to not fit in or be hated again.
When I look back at my short life. I see people hating me, me screwing things up, do stupid /bad things and me having a fear of everything new. I can’t even show the fake me anymore. When I meet new people they avoid me because they start to feel my insecurity.
I don’t want sucide. I just want some peace. I can only find that peace far away from that society and I don’t want to wait for that Island anymore, where I can live in peace.
I’m sorry for the grammer mistakes I made. I’m not from an English talking country.
I’m also not good at writing long texts.