Just a poem about nothing.

I’ve felt a change in my emotions lately
A realization
Or
Maybe I’m just remembering.
Coming down from my dillusion
Back into reality.
But more lucid this time around.
Bitterness does not form
Yet happiness is still ages away
Basically a myth now.
These moments when every emotion
Has disappeared completely by reaching its peak
The most anyone could ever feel
Any emotion
Name one.
I can.
Rage.
Enraged.
The feeling of wanting to create a homicidal storm
Or at least stick nails into my own veins
Either way there will be blood
Don’t talk to me for a while
Don’t look at me without blinking
Bow down at my feet because that’s where you all fucking belong
I can’t shit without questioning
I can’t even make friends without feeling my soul being sucked out
I apologize for being so crude
But I’m not going to stop
Because this is the most my mouth has been allowed to speak for the first time since birth
When all I could do was cry
Or laugh
Sleep
Say absolutely nothing at all
And people would come crawling towards me
I know that I just want attention
But don’t act like that is a disability of mine
Because clearly if I feel the need to draw my own blood just for one moment of your precious time
Then obviously something is not working properly in my head
Something is not working properly in my head
Something is not working properly in my head
So maybe instead of telling me that I am just an attention whore
Maybe you could give me an ounce of your time
And for God’s sake tell me the truth!
Look at me and tell me how you really feel
I promise you’re not going to hurt me I just need to know that someone is thinking about me
I don’t care if its good or its bad
I just need purpose
Because Its been lost in me forever and all I want to do is lay down and rot
So give me a reason to live.
Show me that I’m going to make change in this world
Like I’ve dreamt of
Tell me that all the progress I once made will eventually find its way back into my heart
And shower itself upon the world
And that people will finally cheer for me and I will have made some sort of difference in someones life
And found meaning in my own
I don’t want to suffer through 18 years just to find out I was only meant to kill myself
For the progression of someone else
Which.
It’d be fine.
If there was some way for me to die and know that someone else benefits
Then take me God.
Let them find their way
Show them their path
As you draw the finish line on mine
Give them your wings and point them to promises
I know you will keep up.
I believe in your will
So unless I see a sign that says its not
I will continue to be enraged
At the world
But more honestly
Myself.
I will continue to feel the feelings that only lead to my weakness.
I will look at myself in the mirror as I smile in those last moments
Because even though I feel
Worthless,
Dying for someone shows me that I am worth
Every star in the universe.
And I will watch those who made me so enraged walk peacefully
Knowing exactly where they are going
Knowing exactly who they are going to be
It may not be the change I wanted to make
But change is change.
For better
Or worse.