Worthless

I have spent the last two weeks in bed. I have no desire to get out of it. I feel like i am dead but still alive. I am worthless and dont deserve anything. I was the last born in a family of five. My parents had me late in life. My brother who was twelve when i was born was murdered. My brother had a friend that was dealing drugs and setting fires. He was going to testify against is fromer friend. His family had my brother killed. He was struck a car late one night and died of massive head and chest. It tore my family apart. I was wIth her alone for a year after that and would start school the following year. She tried to kill herself and i was found wandering the neighborhood. I dont recall much about him. The majority of what i know is what i was told by family. Several years after that i was molested. I thought it was love as i was desperate for it but never got it. My father was a silent drunk but it was a good father. My sister said mom was so out of it my dad did a lot weth us cuz she couldnt. My dad died when i was twelve of lung cancer. Life for me after then got worse. My mom drank heavily alot. She neglected me for whatever reason. My sister was not kind to me. I can count on one hand the things she has done for me and have a couple fingers to spare. She gave birth to my niece about the same time. I was very close to her. Then her early twenties she no longer had anything to me. My mom died when i was 32. She had a long battle for two years before she passe. My sister and i fought as she wouldnt help me. We were never close and after mom died it got even further. The last ten years (i am now 42) i have begged and cried for my sister and nieces to include me ans the dont. If i dont drive across town to them i would never see them. I give them money when they are in a bind and generous gifts as well. I cried to my sister one day on the phone telling her i have no family cuz they never include me or think of me at all. Her response was it isnt her fault that i have no family and stop trying to guilt her. My oldest niece our bond is gone. She turned away from me to be the best friend she could be. She is a healer and fixer for her friends but the few time i needed her support i get nothing.  She got mad when i brought that up. I have been taking steps back and letting them go. Ive begged and pleaded for them to include me but they dont. Been in bed for two weeks taking sleeping pill and nyquil to numb out.  The message i got as a child is am niot worth. I keep thinking about renting a storage unit and park my car in it and have an endless sleep.