Why bother attempting something when all it will lead to is embarrassment and worsening of the situation? When somethings fucked, you can never fix it back to 100%, so why do you try? It will never be as good as you could possibly make it.
The social problems started in middle school. Being a quiet nerd has downfalls. What’s worse was trying to break out and improve myself, only to lose the one thing I had going, which was intelligence. Giving up good marks to have a couple friends and still be bullied.
The bullying ended in 9th grade. I suppose everyone was just too weirded out by me to even continue bullying, let alone interact socially. I no longer care about school. At all. It’s fantastic really, because not only do I not have friends, I also have shit grades, and parents who expect and assume I’m just the most brilliant person to ever exist. I suppose sarcasm is a little hard understand just from text, so let me make it clear, it isn’t exactly an enjoyable situation.
The drug use started in the middle of 10th grade. What have I got to lose? I’ll trade my health for a days worth of happiness. Gladly. Anything to let me leave reality for a few hours. But 6 months down the line, I don’t even feel like I exist anymore. Like it’s all a bad dream and I need to wake up. I suppose drug use brought about a social change. I now have a handful of people called friends. Barely. They would never understand why I am the way I am.
I guess I should expand on why I’m depressed. All I ever feel is that i’m not good enough. But it’s not just “Oh, I’m kind of not good” It’s more along the lines of “I’m absolutely worthless. I’m a waste of space and time. Why do I bother waking up?” I have fucked up every opportunity that has come my way for the last two years. Forgotten everything that is important. I’m not even good at things I’m interested in. I see myself and I see complete failure. Dark circles underneath my eyes. Desensitized to everything. Emotionally castrated for lack of better words. I don’t even cry. I honestly can’t remember the last time I did that. 6th grade maybe? I look at this post and think “Wow, what a piece of shit, complaining about his life, Get the fuck over it” But the feelings of worthlessness come back a couple hours later.
It’s ironic, because I don’t even have enough of the redeeming qualities to actually do anything. I’m a coward.
I don’t even need to commit suicide because I already feel dead. Apathy is death.