After doing a lot of research trying to help myself, i came to the conclusion that maybe i just need to start talking to anyone. I came across this website and thought an unbiased opinion might help. I’m going to try to summarize everything that’s been weighing heavily on me so please bare with me because i could use a strangers ears to listen. I have never wanted to be an unhappy person, even writing this right now feels somewhat like a cop out to me because im unable to handle it all on my own. The very beginning of my life started out in shambles. My mom was raped and so i am the product of that. She loves me i know but sometimes our relationship is challenged and i feel as though i don’t deserve to be alive. Sometimes, when I’m mean to her i feel like the most ungrateful selfish person and i hate myself for that. My entire childhood members of my mothers family would be very cruel to me because i’m not a full Italian due to the rape i’m also Vietnamese. My extended family is very racist they would say hurtful things that have attacked my self-esteem for years. When i was 14 starting my freshman year in high school my mom told me about the rape and that’s when my life really started to downward spiral. I guess, i assumed that i had a real dad before that and that one day i would meet him and he would be apart of my life and we’d form a relationship but after that i knew i would never find what the other half of me really is. I developed an eating disorder, mostly because i had a fear of food in general. A member of my moms family would always tell me she was going to poison me because i “wasn’t pure enough” her being religious and all i was just the devil i guess. So, i was afraid to be poisoned and from there the eating disorder blossomed. I stopped playing sports that year and gave up a lot of things that made me feel happy and took on lots of adult roles. I preoccupied myself every hour of the day i got a job at a young age and worked 14 hour under the table shifts so i wouldn’t feel like i owed anyone anything for my existence. I guess i’m just feeling a lot of regret because i lost myself in a mess that was out of my control. I wish i never gave up on all the dreams i had. Some days i just don’t get up and go to school i just lay in bed all day and cry because i’m so scared of people viewing me as fat or ugly or just to see me on a bad day where i cant act strong is too much of a scary thought. I feel like by doing this im compromising my future yet i can’t stop and i have noone to completely poor my heart out too. Its not that i don’t have really good friends it’s just that i don’t feel like i can completely trust anyone to carry some of the burden and i wouldn’t want to put that pressure on anyone. I feel terrible that i want to be loved and accepted so badly by my family. Is it bad that i want that? People don’t see all this pain that i’m trapping within myself i was even given a “person to brighten your day” award in middle school. I never mind being there for other people but my empathy weighs heavily too. I just love people so much that it kills me. it’s like everyone else’s problems come before my own and i never take the time to just learn to love myself because nobody else will. But, all the pain just keeps adding and i feel so inadequate. it’s very easy for me to let people make me feel like it’s my fault and i just take the blame. I hate that i am so easy to tare down but at the same time i hate it more that people want to break me down like its a game. Another reason my life changed completely my freshman year was because i met a boy. He is honestly one of the most brilliant people i know, hes funny and endearing. He was my first kiss, first boyfriend, first love. we dated on and off for three years and i told him bits and pieces of my pain. he always seemed to listen and to help. He always seemed like he believed in me; wanted me to go to school, dream big, travel and just do everything that i always wanted. I hate that my image of this person is swayed. This year i found out that for the last six months we were together he was dating someone else too. It tore me apart and i ended up yelling at him on the phone i said “i hate you” and he started to cry and just like that so much built up inside me that i broke. It was the most painful sound i have ever heard it crushed me inside. i mean it really tore me apart that i made him cry and right then i forgave him. But just like that i found out after i forgave him he was still lying. i guess it’s my fault for being naive and i hate to think that all this time i might have never really knew him that it all could’ve been just a lie. man he really got to me with those tears, and that was all a lie to. He was crying because he got caught not because he destroyed what little faith i had left. even that sounds harsh; i feel guilty putting that much hatred on him he has a lot of issues and honestly even as I’m saying he broke me I’m really just wishing that he finds happiness and lives his life to his potential. even though i know I’m walking away and i can’t turn back. It’s just sad because i do believe love exists and i thought that it might have been that but people grow and change. I’m not sure what to believe in now I’ve seen so much hate,abuse, cheating and just cold hard struggle in my family that it seems like an unbreakable cycle. I just find myself asking where do i go from here? from everyone important to me in my life i always here “you’ll be fine, you always are” and that should be a good thing but really, truly, deeply in my heart i just want to know someone worries about me and that even if they know I’ll be fine that they care enough to make sure that i am. is that stupid? i feel selfish saying all this it’s not everyone’s fault that I’m sad and NO I’m not going to commit suicide and hurt all those that i do love so unconditionally. it’s just i want to stop hating myself so much. I feel awful for it especially because i am lucky. i have three amazing best friends, a mom who has 4 other children but tries her best to love me anyway, a grand mom who never judged me, many people tell me I’m going somewhere in life and i hear often that I’m attractive. Even though i try hard to convince myself I’m not. I should be grateful but instead i have no hope and that makes me the most sad because i don’t have religion anymore because i stopped believing. it started to seem so improbable that God exists if so many good people are hurt…. i wish i could find hope though. On my 17th birthday my mom said “you kill my hope” i asked why and she said “its because you have none”. it sticks with me and i want to change it. I want to change all these things…. so if you’re reading this please help me in some kind of guiding way i just need to talk don’t tell me to see a therapists or take anti-depressants just some kind unbiased words would be nice… and I’m sorry this is so long… but believe me it’s not even the jist of whats on my mind.
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Please give me time to read through all you have written. So far I sense an amazing person with deep feelings.
Thanks i appreciate that.
Wow. You definitely have been through a lot, and it seems to me that you still are. You can email me any time you want, for as long as you would like at farmerstrong13(at)hotmail.com (hoping that got rid of the time it takes to be moderated). I’m familiar with talking to those who are depressed and suicidal and I am more than willing to talk to you. You seem like you’re going somewhere.
Thank you very much, i’m not suicidal really i’m just deeply hurt. I think suicide would only hurt the people i love, not accomplish anything. I guess i just really want some advice on how to be happy and love myself.
Dear ‘effortlessfrustration’
It’s clear to me, that you’ve been through a lot in your short life – a lot more than people should go through. But it is not just your story that stands out to me, but your reaction to all the problems and difficulties youve faced. I admire your strength and resilience, to fight against all of your problems and continue to exist. It is this strength of mind and will power that will not only keep you going, but act as your weapon for the future, which holds a lot of struggle for survival and prosperity. You are strong, and you must keep telling yourself that, once you believe it, all the issues become part of your character, not a burden but a trait and a strength. Winston Churchill once said “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” You will find love and prosperity in life once you find strength and reason to get up in the morning, and from that you will slowly develop an education, solid relationships and all in all a better future.
This is how i see you, as a bright and resilient person, who terrible things have happened to. my email address is: outerhaven.bb@gmail.com …. if you wish to talk to me about your problems, i’ll be more than happy to listen. your story truly is one of absolute resilience and i would like to see you move forward. I’m a 17 year old male. Thank you
Understand that all family dysfunction is not the child’s fault…it’s not your fault. You can only make decisions or have negative emotion in that kind of environment…but growing up children for some reason carry the burden in the belief that because they’re experiencing it, they’re responsible for creating it and then to add insult to injury put the hurt on themselves by beating themselves up about something that was completely out of their control. You’re golden. The opportunity for you at this point is to gather the courage to learn how to love and appreciation yourself unconditionally. Your feeling good is the most important thing to focus on…when you allow that to be your soul focus you will experience positive changes in your life because you’re setting the standard for the quality of good feelings you expect to have. And any thing that needs to be sorted out in your mind with respect to your upbringing and where you’re at now will sort itself out….just breathe..and do your best to focus on what’s positive in your life. Thinking about problems doesn’t fix them, they just churn in our mind…so create a positive focus, gently, and be your best….but be gentle with yourself in the process. You’ve been through enough already. All the best!