Better off

better off without , me. yeah that`s pretty much it. i mean, i have no one. of course , everyone says `oh sweetie im here for you ` but its not like that. its never like that, it`s pretty much just polite i guess. because, everyone says that. including myself. but anyways, i dont even know why im righting this. well, maybe for help . but recently that has seemed like such a long un-reachable road. i can`t tell anyone though, i mean. wtf are you supposed to do. just be like oh , hey. guess what. im suicidal, i hate myself and want to die. if only it was that easy. im sure i`d fail. but that bottle of pills is looking so good right now. if i fail, then ill be in the hospital and ill miss school, and people will know. and nothing will be the same. maybe a cut or two will help, ugh. idek, this all seems so useless. life, i guess. not like i`ll amount to everything. everyone has a purpose right. well, im probably the one that you didnt talk to in highschool, and then you found out they killed thyself. yeah thatll be me. i just, i dont want to hurt anymore. it seems so silly to be pouring out my every thought on here. where strangers you`ve never talked to know you better than the people you see everyday. im so tired, of everything. its not the tired sleep fixes. unless its a infinite slumber one which you don`t walk up from. i mean, other than the generic feeling of sadness that comes with death. no one cares. i dont live with my biological parents, but im not really adopted. its a long story. i dont really have any friends. im just kinda meshed with people. im awkward and no one overally likes me. i just, dont want this anymore. if im going to suffer for my whole life. then i mine as well end it now. less suffering i suppose. idk, there is no way to really deal with depression in my perspective because idk all you can do it still there,and drown in your endless amount of fucking horrid thoughts. okay, yeah this is long. and i doubt anyone of you cares. ok, thanks for reading i guess. also, feel free to talk to me i`ve been told im a great listener.

ps. here are some relevant quotes;

Sometimes I wish I had an easy answer for why I’m depressed like my father beat me, or I was sexually abused- but my problems are less dramatic than that. Like my dad always asks the wrong questions. So maybe this is a slight exaggeration, but I do have a problem with stress vomiting. And my friends sometimes look at me like I’m from another planet, and I’m obsessed with this girl, who happens to be going out with my best friend. So is there any one thing that made me wanna jump off a bridge? – it`s kind of a funny story

If you’ve ever had that feeling of loneliness, of being an outsider, it never quite leaves you. You can be happy or successful or whatever, but that thing still stays within you.

We all wear masks, and the time comes when we cannot remove them without removing some of our own skin.

Everything that ever caused a tear to trickle down my cheek, I run away and hide from it. But now, everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don’t know what to do. I just know that pain I felt so long ago, it’s hurting ten time more.

If you can’t solve it, it isn’t a problem – it’s reality. And sometimes reality is the hardest thing to understand and the thing that takes the longest to realize. But once it hits you in the face you’ll never forget it. It will always be there in your memories and sometimes that is the best way to look at it.

Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can’t always see the pain someone feels

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone.

Everyone always says things will be better in college someday, but its happening today, and today sucks