I’m trying

Dear Whoever Is Reading This,

Hi, i’m Maya. I’m 13 years old now, & turning 14 in a couple months. I’m very short for my age (4’11), I have long black hair, I’m Japanese, I’m a dancer, & I believe that God made me beautiful. Seems great, right?

Lets start from the beginning of my life. From when i was first born to about age 8, i was the happiest kid you could ever meet. I was an angel child, too. I never cried when my family was trying to sleep, I was nice to everyone & everyone was the same toward me, teachers loved me, I was an all around lovable girl.

When i entered fourth grade, i joined a competition dance team. It was so fun, except for the people. I cried everyday when i went to practice when someone would say just one word to me, because i’ve never had so many dirty glares before. I’m still on that competition team now, but quitting next year to go somewhere else. 

When i was in fifth grade, only one year older, everything changed. My family at home neglected me, because they thought i was a slut & a disgrace to the family. So I changed, drastically. I started to not take care of myself, I never wore a bra, I looked like a man everyday, & i smelled terribly. Soon around there i realized nobody would talk to me. I was completely alone. When i walked down the halls I’d get terrible glares, whispers, sarcastic coughs, dirty looks, & the worst; laughs. I would have killed to have at least one friend. About a month later, that happened. A girl named Emily came into my life. She was just like me, manly & scary. We became friends, but it was not a real friendship. We judged each other all the time, & when we did something “girly,” we wouldn’t talk to the other for days. I thought that was a normal friendship though. Not much later, three boys came into my life. I was head over heels for one of them (who i’m gonna call “N” for the rest of this note), & i have no idea why. He turned me into a bad person, he made me swear, & talk about things i felt weird even thinking of. But when those 3 boys started talking to me, I finally felt like i had friends. “4 friends” that i could count on. Of course, that wasn’t the case. I was a ten year old girl, with no self-respect, too shy & scared to speak up for myself, & I was being raped by those boys at least three times a week for that entire year. They would do horrible things to me. They would feel my boobs, take off my pants & hump me, feel me around, take me into closets & moon me, & so much more that i don’t want to get into detail with. But I didn’t know that was rape, i thought they were being friendly with me. I would go to school terrified. When they touched me I could feel myself shaking. I didn’t want them to even get near me, but i knew if i said one word to them, it would turn out horrid. 

That went on until sixth grade, when i started dating “N.” The two others staretd to back off of me. That relationship was a dream to me, because I thought he was a dream come true. Obviously, no he was not. He would act crazy for me one day, then the next day I’d get a call saying “I don’t love you today like i did yesterday, so don’t talk to me until i do.” I’d get those once a week, & it tore me apart. After sixth months (In july) we broke up because he avoided me for 2 weeks while i was on vacation. I was devastated for a while, but eventually i got over it.

At this time, it was August, & my family still neglected me. My sister & I wouldn’t say one word to each other & my parents would give me dirty glares when i walk throughout the house. I felt so lonely, so i decided to go on a search for someone who really loved me, since nobody did. 

I went through guy after guy after guy, & all of them treated me like dirt. I dated 5 guys in 3 months, & they all ended up leaving me. This obviously didn’t help my familys’ perspective of me.

Then in October, I was in seventh grade, & i met a freshman who changed my entire life, forever. His name was Ryan. In the first two months of our relationship, I wasn’t sure if i liked him or not. I was stressing out horribly, cause i wanted to flirt with other guys so bad. I tried to break up with Ryan three times, but he didn’t let me. The last time i tried to dump him, he finally let me, & i was finally free. But i still felt empty. I wanted somebody to love me. So i tried one more guy. That ended in three days. 

Weeks later, it was January, & i was driving home from volleyball tryouts at my school. I saw Ryan walking down the street with one of his friends, so we said hi & eventually started talking again after that. At this point, i gradually became dependant on Ryan. I was desperately in love with him. For that month, me & Ryan would hang out every weekend, we were in love with each other. I snuck him over my house, i snuck out to see him in the middle of the night, we used to make out on my bed, but we never went any further than that.

In February, things started to change. I realized that Ryan never asked me to be his girlfriend, & it seemed skeevy since it’s been so long. He eventually started avoiding me. He would be in love with me for a week, but the next week he would act like i don’t exist. Then when he’d realize that he was treated me bad, he would call me & apologize with this huge pathetic excuse. It was a different one every time. But i believed them, & forgave him, only because i couldn’t handle him not being in my life. My best friend at the time (Brittany) told me is was BS, but i didn’t listen. 

This whole thing with Ryan got to the point where he secretly dated other girls. 2, to be exact. I literally stalked his facebook to see what was going on with him, but since i didn’t have one at the time, he thought i wouldn’t see. I cried every night. The pain was unbearable when i saw him with someone else. I cut myself, I threw things at my wall, & it was impossible for me to go to sleep until about 1am. Most of the time it was past then. 

One night in May, when he was dating a girl named Sophia, he called me cause he heard my mom got in a car crash. For the first 5 minutes he asked if i was okay, but later he started saying how it’s not the same with Sophia. He said he missed me & still loved me, but he didn’t want to say a lot cause he’d feel horrible saying these things to me while he’s in a relationship. He said he was gonna break up with her tomorrow (Monday), & call me that night. 

2 months passed by, with no call from him. No communication at all. So i decided i need to get up & move on. So of course, i found a new guy, Masen. Throughout the month of July, we were “happy.” Except for the fact that he only wanted me for sex. We went to a swimming-pond together with his family, & when his family wasn’t looking, he took me in the water, & did sexual things to me. It was a nightmare to have to go through that again. He would make out with me, feel me up, put his hands in my bathing suit & squeeze my boobs, it was awful. But i had enough strength to tell him to stop, & surprisingly, he did. 

The day after that, i left for the airport to visit my Grandma in Iowa. When i got there, Ryan called me. He apologized for a half hour, & he started tearing up on the phone. I beleived he was sorry. But i was taken by Masen, although i really loved Ryan, not him. Masen was just a coverup, but i didn’t wanna accept it. 2 weeks later, I dumped Masen because he avoided me & acted like i didn’t exsist.

When i got back home, I decided i needed help. I started going to a therapist, & she diagnosed me with major depression & bipolar disorder. She said i needed medication, but my mom kept telling her I didn’t need it. Since then, breathing just to stay on this earth has been the hardest struggle…

In August, Ryan texted me & asked if i was okay from the breakup. I was perfectly fine, cause i didn’t even like Masen that much. Me & Ryan decided to hang out & i found the real him. I went to his house for a night, & he showed me things that changed my perspective on him. Pictures of naked girls making out, in the room i was sitting in. Closets full of alcohol & cigarettes. He was an alcoholic, & he had crazy raves every weekend where girls & boys get overly drunk & naked. They have threesomes in corners of the room, & more. Ryan wanted me to go to his parties. But i didn’t want to, i wasn’t ready to go that far. Because i was smart enough to know that if i went, Ryan would try to have sex with me. This dilemma started to ruin me & Ryan. We weren’t like we used to be, texting every night & day, calls & webcamming at night, hanging out every weekend & doing whatever possible to see each other. Nope, for the beginning of my eighth grade year until the December, instead of being happy every night, me & Ryan yelled at each other on the phone for various things. He was mad cause i was going to a different high school, I refused to go to his parties, & I ended up going back to crying & eventually throwing up every night. But finally, In December, I freed myself. I called him & told him I’m done, forever. It was so hard, cause no matter how much we fought, I didn’t think i could live without him. When i dumped him, i went into an even deeper depression, i was a wreck.

My family finally started talking to me again, & for the first time ever, my sister & I became close. I told her everything. But they soon became extremely worried of me, because they heard me crying & throwing things every night. When i was in the car, i stared out the window with headphones in my ears & never said a word. Eventually in the end of December, i found another guy, Aaron, but we eventually broke up because “his mom forced him to.”

Around here is when i started to get close to God. I was saved. I went to a place called Keswick with my best friends, & i talked to a girl named Katie that altered my perpesctive on life. I told her my life story that i’m telling you right now, & she told me that she was raped & sexually abused too. She actually cared about my problems… & told me God is with me every step of the way & he’s got me in his arms. That was the best night of my life.

When i came home from Keswick, I started dating a guy named Jerome. He’s… Amazing. I trusted him enough to tell him my past, & he accepted it & he helps me with it. He’s everything i want in a guy, I have no idea how i deserved him. I was somewhat happy for two months, but my depression & bipolar disorder liked to get in the way of that.

Today, April 6 2012, I’m still in eighth grade. I’m still dating Jerome, & i still go to therapy. I have 3 friends I can trust, Hannah, Taylor, & Shirbrina. I’m extremely insecure & i still get silent around certain, random people, & I don’t know why. I feel like everybody secretly hates me, cause my “friends” in school like to make me feel hopeless. I get extremely mad  irritated at the littlest things, & i’ll never understand that. I’ve lost friends from my outbursts of anger, but i’m so thankful for the three that are sticking with me. Including Jerome. 

Last night, April 5th, I tried to kill myself.

I was doing work in my backyard, & I started breaking down out of no where. I cried hysterically, & thought I don’t deserve to live on this world. I picked out a perfect tree branch, got a rope from my attic & i planned that while my family was sleeping i would go outside & hang myself.

I felt so lonely, hopeless, lost, & numb. So i tried to get ahold of Hannah, but she had her phone & facebook taken away, therefore i couldn’t. I still desperately needed help, so i walked to her house. When i finally got there, i cried more & told her what’s gonna happen tonight. After an hour, she persuaded me not to do it. If it wasn’t for her, i don’t think i’d be here to write this today.