About me.. A little

I am fifteen and up until recently my life was fine. I was already depressed but I didn’t have any problems with my life. I know I’m talked about and picked on at school but I didn’t realize how much until after the big event that ruined my life. I know others don’t know that I’m any weaker and more vulnerable than before but I feel like the talking about me and messing with me has gotten a lot worse since my mom moved away. I didn’t have much of a choice but to stay here with my grandparents and my sister. My sister has changed and I can’t really talk to her anymore. My grandma and I fight way too much and my grandfather likes to make me feel worthless. And he has anger issue >.< last month he almost hit me with his truck. But I guess I was in the way of a guy with anger and power who had just accidentally backed into a tree. Maybe killing me would have fixed that? I cut in January when my family had this huge fight that I was stuck in the middle of and felt like it was my fault. That fight led to me having to stay. I started cutting myself again in March when my best friend almost killed herself. I talked her out of it but then kept that secret for two weeks. I didn't know what to do. I finally told a teacher that I trust and my friend got help and thanked me a few weeks later. Since then, my friend who lives in another state (so I don't get to see him) was talking about killing himself. Probly just because I was. Another friend's big brother almost killed himself while he was texting me one night. My best friends boyfriend is suicidal. A few months ago I didn't even really know what suicide is and now it's part of every day. It's consumed me. I haven't stopped cutting since march. I should because when I spend the summer with my mom I don't want her to see so many fresh cuts all over my arms. But I don't want to stop. I want to cut deeper. But I don't deserve that. I don't deserve life. Not that I even want it. I know I hurt people and screw up everything. I helped my best friend and she's fine now. She doesn't need me anymore and now she hates me. I've figured out one way that I can go. But I don't think I can start the truck from the garage without my grandparents hearing it. And I know an OD will probly fail. I miss my mom and I want to be with her but I don't deserve it and I don't know how much longer I can feel like this..