I can’t stop thinking about him. I really can’t control it anymore. To be in love with a person who is partly responsible for the biggest and ugliest scar on my hand, the other part is me. I know the world is laughing at me along with him but i can’t stop.
I tried to hate him instead but after couple of days he would do something nice, just a small gesture and i would forgive him and pretend we are starting all over again as friends. I am aware of all the lies, his twisted personality, and self-destruction. I also know he doesn’t give a damn about me, he wouldn’t list me as a friend either…he never thinks about me, and i don’t mean a thing to him. and i would like that, i would like that more than anything,that i mean something to him.
There never was any love. I never tried that. I still hope though, even i want to strangle it with my bare hands. what’s the use of hope? it is just keeping me tragically alive.
I am unhappy, it seems like i don t know how to be happy again. I trust the person that is destroying me. and i don’t care. I lost myself somewhere on the way to grow up. No one sees that. I am stuck in this depression and there is no particular reason for sadness. but a single, unimportant thing can make me go find a razor and end the emptiness that is now surrounding every part of my life. i am actually thinking of buying a poison, which will be more effective and i won’t be able to change my mind and no one would be able to save me.
I am really giving my best to stay alive, but now and than i stumble upon an obstacle. I feel sorry for my family and friends because they trust in me so much.
for now i am going to hang in here with you guys ^^ and i am smiling because of tomorrow, my only comfort is alcohol and him—the combination of these two helps me forget about the reality and during these nights i don t have to feel lonely, i don’t have to feel at all, i can smile like crazy, everyone is friendly and chatty, and i can be a happy, confident, and interesting girl letting him to  hold my hand and not thinking how he is going to destroy one more morning.
If anyone has a really good advice of helping me with this addiction( i don’t know how else to call it, since it is not love)…but to have in mind that we have the same classes at university and that my best friend is his best friend so it is impossible to avoid him. i tried to cut connections with my best friend but everyone i meet somehow can’t stop talking about him. it seems like the entire town is somehow connected with him. please tell me i am not fucked?!
5 comments
A) If you still think you have a shot at hauling him in, do that.
B) If not, do nothing. Don’t hate him. Don’t love him. Just surrender to the horrible feeling of your two lives drifting slowly and surely apart. It will take time, maybe years.
I have delt with the exact same thing. I know how much it hurts. Just hang in there.
Ignore him. And do your best to stay out of his way. if he does something nice, simply accsept it and move on. your not fucked. It will be okay. Pray. Ask God to help you. it will eventually help, i promise
Love is pain and suffering…I could tell you a story exactly the same, I am
Still suffering from his abuse 3 years later. It runs so deep when someone you love betrays you and rejects you. Soul burns is what I call it they are the only ones who can say/do mean shit that burns deep into your soul and you never forget, and it haunts you day in and out. But the worst of it is they are going on with there merry life not giving a shit, or even feeling remorseful for the damage that they did.
Babe you have to love yourself instead..I know all too well that it is hard as hell to look in the mirror and say “I love you” but you have to even if it makes you cry, try everyday. There is a reason you are here, never stop searching. Day by day do things to make you happy, if not try making someone else happy…help out a homeless shelter. Giving of yourself is the best way to love yourself (and not to him, he is a user!!) User guys prey on ladies like yourself who are so soft of heart they respond to any crumb of kindness after they have been abused.
It is not an easy road, but day by day that’s all it is, one second one minute one hour at a time that you love YOU and not him. Might take a bit but you deserve only the best and a man who loves you and puts you above all else!
I suffer too my dear, don’t give in, be a fighter!! And know that someone is praying for you…xo
^^^^ Good advice, until that person mentions God. No god is willing to help anyone, so it’s your ball that’s in your court. This guy you’re mentioning sounds similiar to someone I know…someone I am in love with. But if he is tearing you down this much, not loving you like you ‘love’ him..you need to get rid of that. You deserve much better than that. You deserve repsect and all of the wonderful things life gives you a shot at. When it comes to the alcohol…you know that isn’t reality when you’re drunk, and you’re probably glad it’s like that. But you have to come face to face with reality at one point or another. It all may hurt like a ***** when you take it in, but after a while you will be relieved, because you don’t have to hide anymore.
Do what will keep you healthy, happy, and at peace. And you know what those things are.
I hope the best for you dear.