Hello, everyone.
Not so sure what to say. This is my first time ever posting anything on a website for, like, 3 years. So please bear with me 🙂
Basically, I literally feel entirely worthless.  When I was growing up, my mom was an emotionally distant alcoholic, and my dad was emotionally and physically abusive. They were both also extremely over-protective and critical of me. My dad is probably the most negative person I’ve ever met. I don’t think I have ever heard him say one positive thing about me and really meant it. When I was younger I tried to over-achieve and impress him, but the only compliments I ever got were half-hearted and meaningless. Whenever I fail, he is bitter and sarcastic. He used to make me do humiliating things because he was angry and I had done some small thing to annoy him. My mom is well-intentioned, but she was simply too out of it when I was younger to have had any major impact.
When I was younger I had some friends, but they were always mean to me. I think I really am just pathetic. Almost everyone I’ve ever known has rejected or made fun of me. The few friends I have left (I’m an 18 year old guy) only seem to talk to me because I make them feel better about themselves. I’ve always been able to make people laugh, but after a while I’ve realized that I’m just ugly and useless, and that’s funnier to people than jokes. People hang out with me to make fun of me. If they don’t make fun of me when they’re around me, they do it with other people. But most of them just do it to my face. I shouldn’t let them, but I feel like I deserve it.
I once had a friend named Krystal who I was close with. IK it sounds corny, but she is the sweetest, most beautiful person you could ever meet. Just thinking about her makes me cry, and not just because it’s late and I’m tired. I fell in love with her but knew there was no way she would ever love me back, so I never said anything. One day, I heard her saying horrible things about me. I was devastated. I was already going through a severe depressive episode, but that sent me over the edge. I knew I didn’t deserve her. I told her I loved her and she was very kind with me, and told me that there was no chance of us ever being together, but that we could still be friends. It was three years ago I fell in love with her. I have thought about her every day, even though I haven’t seen her in over a year.
I’m so quiet in school I think I scare people. I wish I didn’t. I don’t want to hurt people. I’ve always been way too fucking sensitive and I can’t handle being depressed and having a conversation a lot of times, especially at this point. But I’ve decided I want to just go ahead with getting rid of myself after graduation. That way, people will be busy with college and not have time to think about some quiet kid they never knew, so I won’t have to hurt anyone more than necessary. I’m totally worthless, trust me; I’d rather not hear anything about why I should live.
I guess I do have a question, if anyone wants to help.  I have a fairly substantial sum of money saved up which I won’t have any use for anymore (I’ve had jobs but no friends or anything to spend earnings on). I’d like to give it to Krystal. I’m not exactly sure about this, though, for two reasons:
1. I don’t want to put her in a difficult situation/I really just want her to be happy. I’d like her to have my money and I can’t think of anything I’d rather do with it, but I can imagine it’s a difficult situation.
2. How do you send people money without anyone else figuring out about it? (kind of a stupid question, sorry)
Any help is appreciated. =)