i don’t really know where to start….

i feel empty. exhausted. so deeply sad.. & mad that nobody i know has the time to care.. despite having felt similar before & me having been there for them.
it is very fucked up.
i still miss the love of my life after 6 years.
but if i did die tomorrow.. i would feel that i had loved & been loved.
now i have ocd/anxiety/depression/phobias/ & what feels like a million more things wrong & a situation that has completely trapped me. i want to scream. i often do.
every time things get a little better.. somehow something else goes wrong & i am back to square one.
….but now.. it is worse than it has ever been.. & whatever this pain in my mind & in my chest is.. it won’t go away.
my thoughts drift to stabbing myself in the heart to feel some sort of finality & momentary relief.
i have even expressed the severity to my family & they don’t think it’s real. i would love some of their company…. but when i am happy doing something with my mum for example…. she just thinks it must all be better.
i read the information :: ‘pain exceeds resources for coping with pain’. i very much liked that. it is all relative to one’s individual circumstance.. the balance.
there is so much more i could say about how i have got to this place.. but less is more sometimes right?
right now what is stopping me from ‘jumping’ so-to-speak…. is my art & music that makes me feel like i’m not alone…. i hope it lasts long enough to hold me. so many days i just close my eyes…. wishing that like a child.. hiding under a blanket will make it all better.