From 3rd – 5th grade I was that sweet and shy little innocent girl but then when 6th grade came I turned into a tougher girl and still am. I hate the new me, I hate my life, I hate everything! I just want to go back to the sweet and shy little innocent girl I was years ago. Ever since my dog, Lillie, died the day after my birthday in February this year I have become so depressed. She was like a dog version of me. I loved her. But then God decided to take her away from me by making her have heart problems. Out of all my dogs I have had (which is 5 but at different times. I have 2 at the moment. My parents got a new one for me the day after she died) We gave 3 of them away because they were too crazy -_- I loved all of them. But this new one I have just annoys the hell out of me now. Just yesterday he decided to be a smart ass and walk in front of me which ended up in me falling down on my concrete sidewalk in my house -_- He always gets in the way! Anyways back to the point. I have severly depressed ever since she died. Now just a month ago I have had suicidal thoughts. I am sick of life!
I wish I could close my eyes at least ONCE without having to see all the names I get called at school floating through my head. Everytime I close my eyes I heard and see the people say them.
“Yeti” “Hairy” “Fat” “Sasquatch” “Nobody likes you” “You’re a *****!” “Everybody knows you have a fucked up life” “You’re a loser” “You are your friends? Little (insert name) and (insert name).”
And the thing that hurt me the most is what my mother said to me…Â “You need to lose like 10-20 pounds.”
Sometimes I just want to kill everybody around me. But now depression is winning and I want to die. I want to get help but I am afraid of what everybody will say to me.
One of my best friends said that what I told her was a stupid reason to cut or die but truth be told is that she doesn’t understand anything I’m going through!
I should have just died when I was 3 and diagnosed with Encephalitis (a brain inflammation). That way I wouldn’t have even had to go through this pathetic place I called Earth.
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and yet, you are still here…
maybe you were meant for a greater purpose, love.
As for your best friend, her calling your reason for cutting a stupid thing, it may just be that you took her by surprise when you opened up to her about how you are feeling.
Try talking to her again, and see what she says…she may just understand more than you know.
I hope things get better for you, and that you find happiness.
I have a little girl who is about your age…
And don’t mind those mean people at school, they are only making fun of you because they think terribly of themselves and need someone to pick on to make them feel better.
Remember, you can’t become strong until you have been weak and fought hard to stand on your own two feet.
Have a wonderful weekend, sweetie.