It’s Hard.

Hey, believe it or not humans are pretty resilient. I have lived through years of being suicidal (literally). It sounds ridiculous because even one hour like that is unbearable, but just because you *feel like* you can’t imagine not killing yourself, doesn’t mean you *actually will*. You wouldn’t believe how many times you can come to really thinking, “This is it, I can’t imagine how I’ll be here next week”, and yet still be here next week, and the next week, and the next. I’m not saying it’s fun. Feeling suicidal and being depressed may be the most hideous pain a person can experience and I wouldn’t inflict it on even my worst enemies. But you can hold on. Never think that when you get to that point where you feel, “I’m teetering on the edge and about to fall off,” that that’s it; you’re just going to fall off. It’s not. You can come right to the brink, and then climb back up as many times as you like. It is not your destiny to kill yourself. It is your choice. And it sounds to me like you don’t really want to choose it.

Also you say a lot of positive things, like “I don’t want to die”. That’s a good start.

“It’s the only way out.” Actually, no it isn’t. There are other ways to avoid emotional pain, if that’s what you mean. Suicide isn’t a way out, because you’re not there on the other side of the door to notice (there is no “outside”, it is simply the end of everything).

I bet you’re tired of hearing this, but “you’re only 14”. You sound very intelligent for your age, but it’s still very young. Things you haven’t seen, ways of looking at the world you can’t understand yet. I’m double your age and have no idea what it feels like to be 60, for example.

“I don’t have one friend.”
You know, real friends are hard to come by. People constantly come and go. Maybe you have no close friendships now, but you might in a couple of years. Friendships need time and energy. Real friendships need years of development and shared life experiences. It’s like planting a garden. I also have very few close friends like you, so I know it’s hard. But there are always new people. Take it from me, you’ll never run out of new people to meet. Every day you can meet new people and then foster that relationship. You might hit it off with some people straightaway. If you work at it and stay in touch, then after a year or so you might have a strong friendship going. (Keeping in touch is key – I have few friends simply because I don’t take time to keep in touch. I’m sure you can do better than me). One of my relatives used to say that if you have just 3 good friends when you die, you’ve done well.

“I kept telling people how I felt, and then people stopped caring all of a sudden. They just stopped talking to me”
You’ll find that people are a bit weird and tell you contradictory things. Like, if you’re suicidal, every website says, “Go and tell someone how you’re feeling; don’t keep anything bottled up,” and of course when you go up to a friend and say you feel like killing yourself, watch what happens (well, you’ve found out). My advice: never tell anyone you feel suicidal (say you’re upset or depressed maybe). Very few people will understand. It’s not because they don’t care; it’s because they do care and so they’re scared; no one wants to ever have anyone die in their life, let alone by suicide, so even the idea of it freaks them out. Think about it: if someone at school told you they were thinking of killing themselves and might not be here next week, how would you react? I’d bet you’d feel pretty worried and would just be waiting for the danger to go away so you could get on with your life again.

“My parents yell when I get depressed.”
That might also be because they don’t know how to help you. They’re worried about and care about, but just hope all these problems will go away and you’ll get better so they can stop worrying. When they see you depressed, they probably yell because it’s their way of coping. But don’t feel gulty about being depressed either. It’s just the way it is. You can’t help it. (For a start, if you feel gulty because your depression is making them worry about you, then that will only make you more depressed, which doesn’t help anyone anyway).

“My psychiatrist doesn’t want me to say I have suicidal thoughts.”
It might be because by law he has to tell someone (whether he wants to or not – it’s part of his job) if he thinks you’re at risk of hurting yourself. Or maybe he just can’t handle the idea of a patient killing themselves. That’s understandable, but not great since his job is to listen to you. Are you able to see a different psychiatrist?

“My friends yak everything they hear to the school principal, and it gets me in trouble, and it goes right back to my psychiatrist.”

Yeah, friends are like that. It’s annoying. Again, only because they care and are worried about you. You’re not ever “in trouble” (you get in trouble for not doing your homeworking, not for how you’re feeling). It’s just them trying to protect you, even if it feels like they’re betraying your trust by reporting everything. Best not to tell them too much – I know how much it hurts to pretend you’re happy when you’re crying out for help though. (By the way, didn’t you just say you have no friends? ;))
You can always call one of those hotlines (like Samaritans in the UK) if you just want to talk about being suicidal without being bothered by anyone.

“I absolutely have no doubt that things will get better. They always do. I just want it to happen soon. I can only hang on so long. And I’m trying to force myself with all my might not to have suicidal thoughts.”
In that care, you definitely shouldn’t kill yourself. That’s a very positive attitude, and clearly shows you don’t actually want to die (you just can’t handle life right now, which is a very different kettle of fish). I’m not sure trying to think about not being suicidal will be so effective (but it’s a start). Because you’re still focussing your mind on the idea of suicide, so your mind is always thinking about suicide, even if you’re thinking about trying not to be suicidal (if you get what I mean). Better to try and focus on the opposite, something completely positive, i.e. on living and imagining yourself healthy and happy, then you’re taking your mind off suicide and also thinking about the future and your future dreams, which is a powerful antidote to despair I find.

“I don’t want to die this young. I know there’s more out there for me, but I’m so weak. I’m so tired, and I’m weak
And you have a choice. Nothing is forcing you to die, only your inner emotional demons. You have dreams, things you want to do. The weird logic of your brain says, “Well, if I can’t get out of this mess and live the life I want, then it’s better to just say screw it and throw it away.” But that’s not the best way. Don’t listen to your brain when it tells you that.

“I’m worthless right now.”
I’m afraid I’ll have to disagree with you on this one 🙂 You’re not worthless at all. You’re extremely valuable. Just by being a human you have enormous value. Other people value you and your family values you, even if you don’t feel like it. If you died it would be the single most devastating experience in the lives of almost everyone who knows you. Much more than if their car was stolen or their house burnt down. So you’re already worth much more than even the most expensive house.

I just want to get better.

“I want to see, so badly, everyone’s reactions when they first hear I’ve killed myself. I want everyone to apologize for ignoring me. I want them to remember me as the girl who just couldn’t hold on. I want them to remember me. Maybe then I’ll matter.”
Ah, this is the ultimate irony of suicide. The one thing you want the most, you can’t actually have. You want to die, then float over your body and hang around for a few months to see everyone’s reactions, to read about it in the paper, to see all the comments from people who knew you, to see the effect it had on people’s lives, to eavesdrop on conversations about you, people discussing your life and debating the issues that led you to do it, and finally giving you all the attention you wanted. Except you can’t. Because you’ll be dead and you won’t see anything. That’s really annoying, isn’t it? Which means you might as well stay around.

The problem is what you want is the emotional succorance you didn’t have. You want to “matter”. You want people to be shocked at not knowing you felt like this, and that you had the guts to do it. But sadly you can’t experience anything if you’re gone. The emotional support you’re craving can only be got in this life, while you’re still here. Basically, if you killed yourself because you wanted to feel loved, etc., it would be kind of illogical, because once you’re dead you can’t feel loved anyway. None of that would matter. Nothing would matter. If you want to feel loved, you have to stay alive. It doesn’t even matter what other people think or how they’d react. What matters is you and your life. You owe it to yourself to stay alive. This is your one shot. You’ve got as blank canvas and you can paint a picture. If you screw up the canvas you might upset other people, but more than that you’re wasting your own talent. You’re denying yourself the chance to paint that picture and see what you were capable of.

Oh yeah, the seeing your friends’ reaction thing is also a fantasy. Because in reality you wouldn’t even want to see it. If you kill yourself, it will completely devastate their lives and they may never recover. A lot of people also suicide after someone they know has. If I killed myself I could list at least 5 people that would be *very likely* to copy me, and dozens who would never get over it. I’m not saying this to make you feel worse. I know it’s a horrible thing when you’re already in so much pain, to remind you of all that other pain. Hardly comforting. (It was certainly not what I ever wanted to hear). But it’s a very powerful reason to stay. Possibly the most important. Suicide is not glamorous; it’s messy and unimaginably painful. And should only be an absolute last resort when there is no chance of your life ever getting better (and it’s debatable whether that is ever the case anyway). You’ve said lots of positive things which means you don’t really want to die deep down. That part of you that wants life is still there. It’s just the part that’s overwhelmed by life is shouting so loud.

I hope this message doesn’t come across all cold and uncaring. Sorry if it does. I’m just trying to be honest and clear 🙂 I actually feel for you, as I’ve been there. I know how few people understand. I know how lonely things can get. I know it’s cliche, but you’re not alone. And people do care about you. Focus on your dreams.