Silly Reasons

I am married. To the most wonderful man. I always felt in life that I would have to settle, and God showed me differently. We have moved 15 hours from where I grew up. 15 hours from everything that I have ever known. I do not know anyone aside from my husband’s family, who are wonderful people…but they are not friends. I hardly know them. I find it so exhausting trying to be a good daughter-in-law. Everyone knows everything about everyone up here and I have always enjoyed my privacy. My husband and I have tried to a new church and we both like it. He is eager to start getting involved, but I am not ready. We don’t know what the doctrine of this church is, what all of their beliefs are, etc. I do not enjoy my job, I work for his aunt in real estate. She needed an assistant..and I have always worked in the line of work; it was a job, we needed jobs…I took it. He just recently got a great job, loves it, his family loves that he loves it, they are proud of him. I am thankful that he knows that his family is proud of him. We lived in his family’s house for the first 3 1/2 months of our marriage..it was difficult being newly weds.

My family is not proud of me. We have been married 7 months and we are both in our early 20’s, neither of us has finished college. I cannot seek advice, help, guidance from my family without a bit of criticism, because I can already hear my mother… “you made your bed, lye in it.” My mom just loves me, wants me to be a good person, has always pushed me to be. But life is difficult right now for reasons that I do not know?
Lately, I am depressed, and I feel lonely, worthless, and a lot of other negative things that seemingly sound stupid hearing me say sometimes…and I don’t like admitting to it, it feels weird. I have had suicidal thoughts and thought of trying to overdose myself often within the last couple of months. I do not have friends up here. I miss feeling like I have a place to belong, I miss having someone to talk to, a place to go when I hurt, am stressed, or just need some time away. I do not want that person to always be husband. I am at a point I my weight, where I feel that if I just stop eating entirely, it would be the best thing for now, until I get down to the weight I want to be at. I am not huge, I used to be and I fear of getting that way again. I get so angry sometimes for little or no reason at all. I confuse my husband when I act that way, he doesn’t know if he is doing something wrong, and tries to find reason to blame himself for my feelings.
Instead of what I want to do sometimes, I lock myself in the bathroom and sit in the shower for an hour or I put my headphones on and listen to music in the spare bedroom while my husband is sleeping and cry. But I am getting tired of worrying about our water bill each month with the water that I am wasting.
My life is not a sad soppy one. I think it is stupid of me to feel this way. But I am trying to find a way to justify it right now. Because I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be a bother to my family anymore, I don’t want to make my husband worry that he just doing thing wrong in our new marriage and trying to find reasons to beat himself up about it. I feel that if I take myself out of the equation… things will even itself out for everyone else.

But I know thinking like that, sounds so silly doesn’t it? I need to get over this feeling sorry for myself. Right?