Waiting for the end…

May 12th, 2012by Itching to go

Ok so this is it. I’m 18 now. I’ve been suicial for 6 years now. I want to hang myself. I feel obligated to wait though, but there’s nothing to wait on. I tried to hang myself twice last night, but I have no foolproof plan because of my weight. I had to use my door knob and sit down. I looked like an idiot who’d played the choking game alone. The only reason I got out of it was because I didn’t feel right not saying goodbye to anyone, but I just couldn’t find words to express my pain or my desire for death. “I’m sorry” doesn’t fit because I’m not sorry for wanting to die. “Goodbye” feels so over used and cliche. It’s the second and third times I’ve tried to hang myself and all three times I was near success because my vision started to go black. The third time I even used the extra length of the bath robe string to bind my hands behind my back. I do have access to other weapons, but I preffer hangaing because there’s no mess, and I found for me that there’s no pain there in that situation, only bliss. I also find it easier to hid at a funeral for if I do succeed one day, the marks can be hidden under my chin. If there’s anyone who has suggestions of what I can do to better succeed at ending my life by hanging (considering all factors) , I’m more than happy to listen.

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