What is normal???

I have seen a counselor twice because of my self harm issues but I stopped going to the counselor because I didn’t ever like going. Looking back on the times that I was there and the discussions we had I realized that I wasn’t entirely honest with her. When I would talk to her I could tell by the way she looked at me that she thought I was dumb. I am one of those people who have parents still together, I have a home, I have dinner on my table, and I’m pretty. You may think with all of that, how can a person have problems?! I wouldn’t tell my counselor the whole story of problems and issues I was having because I’m scared of being sent to rehab or somewhere like that. Literally, everyday is a fight to remain sane. I don’t want to tell anybody the thoughts I feel and the way I think because its not normal. I hate myself. I have 0 friends. I have people that I see occasionally when I go somewhere like church or the mall. I do school at home. But I honestly feel like no one even cares. I’m just a person that people are around so they’re not alone. Few people talk to me because I am a convenience or so they’re not by themselves. I am also overweight. That makes me crazy. I am 5’3, 16 years old and I’m 150 pounds. I used to be 175 so I’m thankful for that jump down but I’m still quite large. Being disgusted with myself is what made me start cutting. Because I was so disappointed in what I am, the person I am when I look in the mirror and a way to cope with my thoughts. I have had suicidal thoughts since I was 8 years old. I figure that we all die so why do we live? I love God and I go to church and I am honestly a good Christian and because of my relationship with God it has saved me from suicide and stopped my self harm. Now I think that since I have gotten rid of all the outward lashing out of my depression and self hatred that I need to control my mind. I don’t hurt myself anyway and I workout and eat healthy. I take care of my outside but now it is my mind that needs help. I’m so worried that I will be sent to a place for crazy people. It’s not normal to not have friends, it’s not normal to think about killing people, it’a not normal to have a mind that craves destruction and violence over people. I am nice but literally, it’s like someone else is in my head when I have these thoughts. I had an okay childhood too. I don’t know where this came from. I believe that every issue and problem has a starting point I just don’t know how I got this way. And I am dying to know how my brain gets like this and where it all started. Do you guys think it started somewhere?