Is what I tell my mom. ‘no, it’s okay, I’m just tired’ for my dad. ‘Could you leave, please? I’m thinking’ is snapped at my little sister. And then I’m alone.
School’s out. I’m a kid. I should be ecstatic, right? But I’m not. Lately, I’ve just been feeling so alone, so hopeless. I have small projects I’ve been working in in my spare time, but I’m starting to think ‘why bother, this is stupid’ and abandon them. Occasionally I’ll get my hopes up for something, but somehow when it comes I always seem to screw it up. Then it’s over, and I’m back in an unbelievable slump. I’ve tried ways of taking my mind off things, from reading to writing to getting physical. I used to (and still do sometimes, when my parents aren’t home) take my baseball bat out into the backyard and use oranges off my tree as balls. Something about the feeling of the hit made it all better, for a little while at least.
I used to cut my wrists, toy with the idea of killing myself. Now I’m actually starting to seriously think about it.
I came here, made an account, looking for advice. Now I think I just want someone to talk to. Not parents or a shrink or whoever. I want to talk to someone who has been- or is going through- what I am now. I could never talk to parents or friends, but something about the Internet, the way you can be completely anonymous, makes me feel better. If you have advice on what to do, please tell me. Nothing that would involve telling an adult, though, please. I think being talked to by a ‘professional’ about suicidal thoughts and tendencies is more than I can handle right now.
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i need someone to share my problem with too.
Hi fading_out, I can’t offer much advice, but I do sympathize greatly with what you’re going through. I too just made my first post here. I feel clueless about what to do. How long have you felt this way?
talk to me whenever, i feel the same way as you. exactly.
skrl: I really don’t know. I don’t think it was a gradual thing, either. I think one day i just kind of woke up, and something popped my little bubble i had been living in. The world poured in, all too fast and all too real. I cut around 5-6 months ago, but i had felt this terrible feeling inside long before then.
fakingit: its nice to know there’s someone else, that im not completely alone. Its just kind of a random thing, ya know? I’ll be feeling fine, doing great, then this little voice whispers in the back of my head. I dont mean that literally, im not that crazy yet, but it feels like it. Sometimes i cant stop those little thoughts that just kind of creep up on me, telling me to cut again or go back to bed and just stay all day.
skrl: actually, now that i really think about it, i do have a very general idea of when i started feeling like this. my earliest memory of really feeling depressed was right after i turned 12 (Im almost 14 now). My aunt isnt the easiest person to get along with now, but back then, i really felt like i could talk to her. i asked her if we could talk in private, so we went to her room. before i knew it, i was pouring everything out to her; not only about the way id been feeling, but why i thought i felt like that, and even things about my parents/sister/ home life. Nothing about cutting or suicide, i hadnt begun to seriously entertain those thoughts till later. She hadnt said a word the entire time, and i finally finished. then she looked me in the eye and i swear to god this is exactly what she said: “You’re wrong”. she then gave me a very calm 10 minute speech on how im too young too feel like that, how its just me growing up making me feel like that. Of course just as I thought she was done, she (being the overly-religious person she was) gave me another huge speech on how it was wrong to feel like this, and how if i feel like this its a sin or something, and that people that feel like that and cut and self-harm and commit suicide all end up in hell. And THAT, my friend, i think is the reason i refuse to tell anyone else that im seriously contemplating suicide
@fading out: omfg thats exactly how i feel and what happens to me!
@fakingit: Its not even depressing as much as its pissing me off, too! Even just today it happened, i just cant control those little thoughts. I stopped cutting around 5 months ago, it took a lot to do and I was really proud I handled it on my own. Just today I was cutting up some fruit to snack on, and the knife slipped and nicked my thumb. It didn’t hurt, but it cut pretty deep and started to bleed. A lot. i wiped it off, but before i could do anything else out of nowhere a thought popped into my head. quiet enough i wasn’t sure i had even thought it until the third time. and yes, it did say things three times. “That didn’t hurt at all’ it said. ‘Cutting my wrist didn’t either’ it said. What really got my attention was when i realized i was thinking ‘I should start cutting again. It won’t hurt, and I might feel better’. Every time this happens (and its been happening more and more lately) i get so mad it just pushes me deeper into this black pit.
im sorry, i found a pocket knife today and i was just like “should i it’s been 2 months” well i did i slit my wrist a good 30 times and my hip about 15 an my legs about 20 yeah now its a rush i have to keep doing it and none of it hurts! im more mad at myself for giving in then for the reason of doing it again. a black pit? i seem to be falling in this white whatever it is but covered in blood in my dreams at night but its so obscure to have happened everynight in a week i awake in a panic attack:/ i dont get it!!
Dying isn’t the answer that you’re looking for, believe me. You May feel like the world is against you or you may just he feeling a little blue, but there are better ways to take out your frustrations. Killing yourself is not a solution and you shouldn’t dwell on it. It’s ok to feel frustrated enough to feel like you want to kill yourself but just don’t imediately act on your impulse because that’s what it is,an impulse. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to an adult but you have to find a way to let it out without turning to your pocket knife. If you feel like you need to hurt yourself or just lit out your frustration at the world, do something else. People say that ice give you the same sensation as a knife so if you want to for yourself, just get some ice from the freezer and stave your wrist with it, it’ll give you a similar painful numbness as the knife without the future complications that you would get from bleeding yourself in your room. If you don’t like ice, you can probably beet the shot out of your bed and pillows, maybe scream your head off into your pillow with the music turned on high, take up a really hands on sport
Or just make yourself a punching bag although Oki think hitting oranges with a baseball bat isn’t really a bas way to go, but maybe try hitting something that your parents won’t miss, maybe you can make orange juice, fresh squeezed, of course, just put on a pair of gloves and squeeze the life and juices out of those oranges.
Hope these ideas help, is if want other ideas, you can just search them up because have a lot of ideas on how to deal with stress and depression, you can always pick and choose the knee that fit you best. I hope you feel better and I wish you the best of luck.