I just posted a book in a reply to a post I read on here. This site isn’t what I was looking for however I am grateful to have found it. This topic of conversation isn’t exactly what you feel comfortable or welcome to discuss openly with anyone. I don’t advocate suicide for anyone, it’s horrible in fact and when I think about the impact it has on the people who care about you it does feel selfish. I can only speak about my own situation. Today is a very dark, lonely day and I have never felt more isolated or alone in my life. In retrospect this day I suppose was bound to arrive one way or another, the moment of truth, keep at it, trying to live life or go with the suicide option? I feel confident that ending my life is the only answer, I have been fighting this same battle for years and I am ready for resolution, for peace, and when I say peace I am comfortable with nothingness, ceasing to exist. I find myself though at a standstill, I don’t know how to do this and be successful at it. My kids and my mother will not be dragged through another unsuccessful suicide attempt by me anymore. I just wish I knew how to do it as painlessly and quickly as possible? I guess that is probably what everyone wishes also, sorry if that sounded simple, just thinking out loud. I have a lot to say but to ramble on without any rhyme or reason would be a waste of time. I would like to post more when I get my thoughts in order. Thank You.
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We are here to listen when you are ready 🙂
Just me hihihihi. Hi! I’m here to listen too
A sincere Thank You too the people who replied to my post, reading that another human being cares what you have to say means a great deal. As I read some of the posts on this website I am floored by the fact that sometimes it’s like reading my own feelings. I just feel like I want to be clear about one thing, I am not seeking to end my life because I am mad about anything or mad about the way I was treated by anyone. I am 47 years old and my life has been a series of screwed up opportunities and bad decisions, every decision I have made has brought me to the point I am at today. There are a lot of things I just never bothered to learn about and that crippled me, badly, in my interactions with others, in life in general and for that I can only blame myself. I’ve done things, told lies, hurt people by the things I have done, been a horrific daughter who constantly has needed saving, though I loved my children I have often felt sorry for them that they had the messed up luck to draw the short stick and get me as their mother. I can only wish to let all the people who know me and think badly of me, I think about all of you often and all the things that I should be held accountable for , you will never punish me more than I punish myself. I don’t feel one bit sorry for myself and self-pity or sympathy makes me sick!!! I just feel like it’s time, things have never gotten better and they never will because I don’t have what it takes to live in this world and I have a proven track record of failure. My family is silent now, they know because of what happened last week, my last hope for a normal life fell through, that this is the decision that I have settled on. If I were in their shoes, dealing with me, I too would be silent, like I said, this has been going on for years with me and everyone is just done, it’s a sinking ship, it really is and we all just want it to get it done and over with. I wish they could understand that I really am sorry for dragging them through this.
Hi. You write your feelings well. I completely feel for you as i’ve been there. You’re 48. I’m 62. I’m glad I waded through the depressed times and continued on; I got to meet you!
It doesn’t matter if you do nothing more for the rest of your life but breathe, and try and help out a bit by making a little bit of money or choice in food options for your kids or something at all. You don’t have to be a star, or the greatest mother of all time. You just have to breathe, smile at those that need it, and love your kids through just listening to them.
I venture you may not have had a simple bit of attention. My parents weren’t bad, they just never noticed me. They had 6 kids and I was the last and a mistake. No matter. I brought 3 children into the world. I loved them the best I could, not so great though. I have apologized to them, and two say “stop that! You’re great” But it is because my daughter refuses to forgive me. She continues to make me “unforgiven” so that I have this dark cloud over my head. I was 17 when I had her; I did not know how to raise a child, and I was stupid. I have had more failures than I care to talk about, dearest person, I know how you feel, honestly.
But you have to stop saying those things about yourself. You’re talking about your children’s mother, now. You’re talking about someone who is alive for others as well as yourself, not just you. I had to learn that the hard way too. I lost people over it, like my daughter and her children.
I am telling you, if you let people, they will love you, and you DO deserve love, for no other reason than it is in us all. We ALL want to be loved and not brutalized with negative ugly words or hits or whatever. Everyone wants utopia, there is nothing wrong with wanting it. But you have to see it differently. It IS in the small things, like breathing, smiling, laughing, listening to those you love, giving of yourself….I promise you, it will heal you.
Evryone talks about believing in something or someone. As a little girl I believed in Jesus. Life made me cynical, and I did a lot of wrong too. I’ve since realized that no one in the earth has the ability to know anything for sure, but we know that certain things make us happy, and that is all we know. I choose life, and I choose Jesus again. I can’t prove it or be sure, but I decided I’d like to believe he wasn’t lying and if I just live a simple loving life, I will be where he is when the time is right.
I don’t know you, it’s true. I don’t know what you did, but I do know that I probably have done some awful things too, and no one needs to know but God. I love you anyway, simply because you were made and you are alive. I love you because you feel. I love you because you have a heart made of blood and flesh, and you want to find a way out of your misery or you wouldn’t have posted here. Please don’t take your own life. Keep trying dearest person, keep trying and when the time is right you will experience death, but it will be a good thing. It will be peaceful, not forced. Dearest soul, do not give up. Don’t leave the world, the world needs every smile it can get, your children need to hear you laugh, and see you smile, and know you are listening. Give good things and you’ll see, it will come back to you.