The horror stared right into my eyes

This is about me 3 years ago and how I survived looking into the horror that I have created. I was a lonely person my whole life and I been reading all the time. What else does a boy with no friends have to do. Anyway at age of 17 I spent months in my room reading. I had hundreds of books there. And one book which I ran across had affected me in a very bad way. I got interested in it and I read it over and over and somehow suddenly it affected me. I began to have paranoid thoughts and become scared of everything. I was scared of people, of myself, of technology, cars. Everything. My whole worldview was been shattered into bits and I went completely insane. I started having nightmares. Couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. I could drink but I hated it.

I could not think properly. I had blackouts. On the next day I collapsed. I cried. I couldn’t do anything. I was terrifyed of everything. I lost my mind. Total mental breakdown. I locked myself in the bathtub and slept there for days and didn’t come out or anything. I was broken and scared like never before. I couldn’t sleep either because of nightmares. I wanted to die because I couldn’t take anymore of that suffering. But I knew I had no possibility of killing myself any proper way like jumping cause I couldn’t even walk because of fear. I couldn’t leave my room.

I was starving and eventually I started hallucinating which made my life even worse. I was basically mentally tortured with biggest suffering ever. Even to this day I don’t understand why my mind broke down like this.

Eventually my stomach was hurting because of starvation and I looked like a victim of the holocaust. Eventually the suffering eased off a bit and my thoughts didn’t torture me as much. I crawled to the phone and called the hospital so they would pick me up. They paramedics picked me up and loaded me into van and moved me to hospital where they started feeding me with special food for starvation victims. Then I was moved to the psychiatric hospital. I didn’t take any medications they wanted me to take but I asked em to bring me books like Lord of the Rings and Richard Dawkins books and they did. After reading those books I felt better because new information was overwriting the old information. Eventually thoughts disappeared and I went home. I am still lonely person but I made a list of things I wanted to do before I die and I commenced to doing those things. I already visited the chinese mountains and jumped with a parachute and it was awesome.

The incident with going insane however made me understand suffering so much more then I did before. The horror inside somebodies brain is the worst kind of horror. When I was in psychiatric hospital I was in same room with a girl who cut out her own eyes because of some disorder. I don’t know what was going on inside her head but I think she would be better off dead cause there are things worse then death in this universe. I visit her from time to time and bring her gifts and read books to her so that she has some sort of joy in her life.

Sometimes suffering can be extreme inside peoples minds and we can’t see that. The one who has not felt what I felt can not understand it. Only those who suffered in the same way I did or greater can understand the agony of the brain. But I looked inside the horror that I have created and I have survived it’s torture so you may to. You need to be strong. Take control of your thoughts somehow. It is possible because I’ve done it. Some people are doomed to suffer their whole life because of unfortinate genetic makeup or bad childhood which fucked up their brain beyond repair but those are very special cases. For those cases suicide is a good option. Most of you are healthy and can be happy if you try hard so try hard and you will make just as I have made it. You can die anytime but make a list of things you want to do before you die and do them. If you die you die but have fun before you die. You will not regret it.

Basically I was lonely and sane. I went insane for 30 days and suffered the most horrible suffering imaginable and then I slowly became sane again.

Am I happy now? Not 100%. I am still alone with no friends but there are things I like to do. Things I do. Things I want to do. And I feel awesome when I do those things. My mental state is all right as well which is very important as you can see from my experience. So find out what you want to do and go out and do it! What do you have to lose! You can die anytime so have fun before you die!

And try to keep your sanity. Don’t suffer like I have suffered.