To be, or not to be?

I make this question every day to myself, for something like 8 years. 8 years ago.. i came to italy, with my mother. My parents devorced when i was 3 y.o. and from then i lived with my granparents in russia. My mother gone to italy when i was 5 y.o. and i barely never seen my father till i was 10, then my mom took me with her in italy. she lived with an  italian guy, antonio. when i came to italy, he trowed us on street, with no money, without a reason. Thanks to some friends, we found a home for a month, after, antonio come back, and we gone to live with him. It was september, i begun to go to italian school. till the xmas was all ok. but then… one day, i was at home alone, and to my house came some visitors.. police, asking me to go to my neighbours, for one night, just because “antonio and my mother can’t return to home tonight”… Later, at school, i discovered that all town knew that my mother had took some stabs from antonio. She was still alive, and the family where i lived (for a month) took me to hospital to see her. Antonio destroyed our documents and form that moment we were no-one, with nothing. We doesn’t exist no more… when my mother was cured, we moved to a community of homeless, and lived there till my mother found a work. Then we lived like “normal” people. but 3 years ago i had to return to russia, and i lost a year at school. I had a big depression that continues now… All the time from antonios story till now, i and my mother are like strangers… I feel stranger to all who i “know”… I feel… nothing… to no-one… no love, no hate, not even a simpathy or just an interest to know some-one… I’m disinterested. I don’t want to go to school, don’t want to go out, don’t want to eat, to talk, to sleep, to stay awake.. to breathe.. Why should i continue, when someone like antonio (ex.) can decide all for you, can stop your life, why can’t i control it? Every one wants to control his life, but is there a major control of it, than control its lenght? We can’t control the beginning of life, but we can control the end. We can win the death, at least control it.

I just want to put end to all this……