Hi. I’m a 19-year-old female college student. I’ve never posted on this site before, but it keeps coming up when I do suicide method research. My desire to kill myself has gotten much worse, very quickly. I don’t know what to do. Please keep reading, if you have time. I need someone, anyone. Help?
I’ve been depressed since I was 13. I grew up with a perpetually angry and violently abusive mother and a cold, neglectful father. They made me believe that I wasn’t good enough to be liked, and that I would never be unless I was perfect. I still can’t shake it- I know “perfection†isn’t going to get me friends, that striving for this thing that doesn’t exist will just turn me into someone even more repulsive…but I’m still trapped under this mentality. I was kind of a weird kid. I was a perfect student, my teachers’ pride and joy, but I would still get into trouble outside of that environment. I learned very early that my parents were wrong, and so would rebel against them, but by then they’d already fucked me up for good and the fights just hurt me even more-but eventually, they just let me do whatever I wanted. They didn’t care. I drink and use a lot of drugs. That helped sustain me for a long time, but now even the best highs can’t get me away from reality.
My efforts to be “perfect†brought me close to death. Of course I kept studying, getting perfect grades, but it wasn’t easy. It got me to Princeton though, where I go to school now. I tried to be the best person I could be, to have what I thought to be perfect character: kind and passionate, selfless, thoughtful, understanding, loyal, fun, adventurous. I lost a lot of opportunities in my wanting to please. I’m physically beautiful. That sounds very arrogant, doesn’t it…I’m sorry, I promise I’m not, it just is true. Still pushed myself there though, developed an eating disorder that ruined years of my life and landed me in the hospital (my parents kept telling me I was fat, even though I was just 110 pounds at 5’2â€).  All of this never got me anywhere socially (should have been obvious to me). People rarely approach me, say anything to me. some who do know me say I’m perfect (don’t know whether to laugh or cry) and they seem to like me, but also never pursue a deeper relationship with me. I’m too shy, socially awkward, and full of self-hatred to push them to get to know me. I assume rejection. Which reminds me, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’m very lonely. The fact that I’ve never known romantic love kills me, before, made me not want to die just yet, but now I’m sick of waiting for something that’ll never happen for me. I had strong feelings for someone a while back, completely unreciprocated though. Sex was all he saw in me. He’s the only person I’ve ever slept with.
I’m rambling. Sorry. Almost done. The situation I’m in now: I’ve been seeing therapists and psychiatrists for 5 years. I’ve tried antidepressants, nothing works. I am no longer passionate about anything. I wasted so much of my life trying to be perfect, not happy. But even when I realized how stupid that was…still cant be happy-because there is nothing I could pursue to make me happy. I don’t feel deeply connected to anyone I know. I don’t see a future for myself BECAUSE nothing interests me like it used to. I don’t want to do anything. My teachers in high school used to joke about me winning a Nobel prize one day, curing AIDS or something, but the idea of returning to college and competing (id have to, don’t want to) with all the irritatingly cutthroat and cruel premeds makes me sick. The idea of medical school, graduate school, now makes me sick. The idea of finishing college makes me sick, the idea of keeping any kind of job or hobby however small and simple makes me sick. I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s too painful and lonely, and I don’t want to live to see my privileged education and perceived potential go to waste. I feel so guilty for all the time and energy my teachers and others invested in me, someone who couldn’t even amount to a functional human being. I just want to disappear. But I cant bring myself to commit suicide. When I sit in a tub, razorblade to my wrist, I just cant move, no matter how much I want to. I would probably have to do something like OD on sleeping pills, but that’s so unreliable. Id have to deal with a much more miserable life if I failed. I’m not asking any of you to give me reason to live, to try to stop me. Just be honest and tell me what you think, about any of this. Why I cant jump in front of a train, what I could do instead. Just for taking the time to read this, thank you.
10 comments
I’m here<3
Start living for you.
Forget the expectations of everyone around you.
It’s your life, not theirs.
Just breathe.
You were perfect when you were born, & you still are, you are simply not in alignment with your true natural self because of the abuse. It trained you out of that bundle of joy that came into this world, & were trained to be & do to please others & you forgot how to be and simply do for YOURSELF!
It’s not your fault…the negativity projected on you is in no way a reflection of the spendid person you are. So you were sold a bad bill of goods & you couldn’t know anything else but to go with it.
The truth is at this point you must make a choice about how you want to feel. We all want to feel good & focusing on what happened is all about the past & contributing to how bad you feel. You need to go in the other direction within yourself. You must take charge, be courageous to own what has happened & say forget this crap…I’m going my way! When you make the decision to feel good, every day you must practice yourself into a better feeling place. Just do it…if you think about it you won’t do it…so just think ‘nothing is more important than, that I feel good’….a belief is just something you say to yourself over & over til it becomes a natural thought in your head. It’s a matter of reprogramming the wrong conditioning you received from people who are supposed to LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY, so you learn to love yourself unconditionally. Forget everyone.
The problem is not the problem, it is your identifying with it that is the issue…so it’s perpetual because your identity is wrapped up in it. This is not criticsm, it’s encouragement to make a stand for yourself. There is no substitute for doing the work, but you can start by choosing to have fun with it because you weren’t given the opportunity your whole life by the way you were treated. Start NOW! It’s a process, so be gentle with yourself…practice that. No need to make a deal of any of this, just make the choice & go with it. Save your money and energy & find someone you don’t need to constantly see. Find a life coach that teaches Law of Attraction.
You can heal from all of this. Sending you good vibes. Be well, & again, be gentle with you. You deserve peace, & happiness.
Perfection is a feeling, not a doing or a validation from anyone else.
@softsoul… That was really beautiful.
Jellyfish, I can so very much relate to what you are saying about your parents, about being a perfectionist (even the being attractive and it making things worse part, as conceited as that sounds, I get that too haha). Even the past drug use
I was in college not too long ago, achieving 90% most of the way and then it all fell apart. Relationship issues (see my post “End Game”) and lack of a support system = fail (well, I withdrew).
I don’t know if there’s a p.m system here bc Im new as well. I hesitate to give up my email but if u want to message me here somewhere, I’d be happy to chat 🙂
I think we are stopping ourselves from doing it because we don’t really want to do it deep down, don’t want to have to come to that. No matter why, what for, who knows, I don’t!
I hate that I don’t just march over to the train tracks and take a nap, but for the last year or more, off and on, I hear the train and think about it but never walk over.
I’m thinking of this like a challenge (mental survival tactic lol) Something evil wants me to destroy myself. It isn’t going to kill me, it will make me kill myself but I’m not going to, for as long as I can hold off anyway.
I hope you do the same <3
Hi jellyfish. Your story reminds me of my own: obsessed with perfection for all the wrong reasons. I also went to a cutthroat college and pursued an honorable profession (by society’s standards) and broke my ass trying to succeed while being apathetic to the whole thing.
My advice to you is I think what others are saying: do the opposite of everything you’ve done so far.
After 2 years of nearly a 4.0 GPA and doing everything expected of me, I flunked myself out of school, got a minimum wage job at an animal shelter and joined a noisy rock band. My parents basically went insane and I had the time of my life for a few years. In those few years I experienced all that matters because I was free, rebuilding my life the way I wanted it.
It’s a big step, but so is suicide. If you’re at the point of desperation, why not try something extreme like that? As they say, you can always kill yourself later.
Hey, you sound a lot like me. Obsessed with perfection. I’m had OCD scrupulosity (obsessed about religion and worried about it a LOT) and now I have OCD about being perfectly ethical. I’m a very logical person and I am a 20 year old female in college.
I think that it’s unwise to do a drastic thing for suicide. I had an idea today, that I wanted to starve myself to death. It’s great that it lets you really, really commit and have time to mull things over, and gives you a chance to change your mind later. But like you I can’t bring myself to do it. I just remember learning about how it can mess me up if I ever change my mind, like I can create health problems or never be able to have kids.
With OCD I thought that I had to keep all the promises I made. I promised to be valedictorian and lost sleep in order to get straight As and I even failed that and got 3 Bs by the end.
I have a lot of deep philosophical questions, even religious questions that bug me a lot and sometimes I’d get so confused and I feel like I HAVE to do SOMETHING, but I don’t know what to do. This helplessness makes me feel depressed. I did have one friend who I trusted for advice, because he’s really smart. Unfortunately, he doesn’t want to be a go-to person for all my crisis anymore. I think that he simply doesn’t understand just how horrible I feel and how hopeless I would feel.
So I’m telling you, I understand how you feel. I used to be one of those people who thought that depressed people just were being babies and crying for attention. But now, I KNOW that it’s not! I know for real because I feel it too. We need each other! I used to think, that that one boy was the ONLY one who understood me, but now it just seems like he doesn’t! Or else he would be empathetic and be there for me.
If you want to talk here’s my mule email account: andrewapplebee@mail.com
I want to help you and I also want to be your friend. If you want.
rejection of life, apathy, lack of passion, hopelessness .. I can relate to those
I remember feelings of inadequacy being at their peak after I stopped going to college .. I spent a lot of time wondering how I got to that point and it was always the same answer: life as a human being isn’t for you
however, another way to look at this is to remind yourself society as it is now is simply dysfunctional: we’re slaves to money, technology (things that should be at our service) and society appears to destroy a lot more lives than it builds .. why would any sane person want anyhing to do with it ? who knows, rejection of life (as it is these days) could be a sign of sanity
live by rules designed to make one a disposable tool ? nope, I’d rather be dead
As a college student you may be experiencing a problem discovered when it caused mental breaks for knowledge workers in business offices, 1964.
Preventing this problem and the potential psychotic-like episode with depression it can cause will not require treatment of any kind and implementing prevention will not interfere with any treatment you now have.
When you create the “special circumstances” for it by incorrectly using a computer or picking a study area with movement in peripheral vision the repeating subliminal failed attempts to execute the vision startle reflex will create fear, paranoia, panic, depression, and thoughts of suicide.
There is evidence that classroom seating allows a small level of exposure, but not enough for the full mental break. (See my “Letters” page.)
Visit VisionAndPsychosis.Net read the 400 word introduction then click the link to the “Letters” page at the top of my Home page.
The U.S. Air Force has agreed to investigate this as the cause of service member suicides.
If you find you do have this problem use the contact page on my site to reach me.
Write me.
Clarity1987@hotmail.com