I did have a different title – which was funny – but I forgot. Oh well.
My name is “kthx” (for privacy reasons). I am a 26 year old Male, plagued with three conditions (that we know of so far) which are Major Depressive Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and A.D.D. (ADHD minus the hyper component). I was diagnosed with the ADD and depression as a child. I have lived ever since then in a depressed state. I always have a low mood (dysthymia), and things never seem to work out for me.
I have been through so many psychiatrists and psychologists officesÂ throughoutÂ my life and not one of them has helped me one bit…. I am still here with the same problem. The hospital also recently put me through an Anxiety Management Group which also touched on depression. It went throughÂ CBT (CognitiveÂ BehaviouralÂ Therapy) which everyone sings praises to, as well as coping techniques. Nothing worked for me. Nothing. CBT may work for some others, but there are some it wont work with (including me). I went back to work, and ended back on disabilityÂ againÂ . Now things are getting much worse than before, because I cant afford to be on disability (which is what I need to get better), in turn creating more financial stress, strengthening the problems.
I have to say, I have seen this site before… Reading that page, did not help me at all. I saw this site about 2 years ago. I have tried putting suicide off, and I always come back to the thought that I am better off dead… Life to me is a living hell, and I bet hell itself is not as bad as this. I actually do believe I am currently IN hell.
So I just stumbled accross the site again today, while youtubing and googling “suicide”. I have come across countless attempts to make deterring videos or articles, none of them seem to work or do anything for me. I in the end still want to end my own life.
I have been on medications, and none of them work. The only thing that works 100% of the time is marijuana, but that is INHUMANELY andÂ UNCONSTITUTIONALLYÂ illegal. If health Canada only knew how much it helped me, I am sure they would fix their broken system of doctors too afraid to sign an application for me. I have done plenty research, and I am not the only person who says it helps. Research proves that it helps with my conditions, and yet they still won’t sign the one form that would make me happy for the rest of my life… It would make me more social, make me quit smoking….
Anyways, here I am again with many suicidal thoughts, and no helium tank…. The best I can think of right now is hanging myself from the train bridge near my house, but that seems painful… I don’t like needles or knives (yet I cut myself) so its not just as easy as slitting my own throat…
I have accepted the fact that my only two options are either die, or smoke marijuana for the rest of my life. Now, any idiot would agree that Marijuana is the better option, even when compared to prescription medications… Because prescription meds are a way of income for your psych (so they can buy that expensive car/house), they are more than happy to prescribe and shove you out the door… They don’t care… In fact, they care LESS than they used to, which is not much… For example, when I saw a psych as a kid, they actually did everything, including talking about problems and what not… Now they just ask you what is wrong with you, and based on your report to him he rewords what you say to use medical terms… Then they prescribe something with a huge list of adverse effects without telling you anything about the drug and its side effects. Nor do they tell you it will damage living tissue in your brain’s front and temporal lobes.
I am not sure how tonight will go, considering I had a few suicidal thoughts through the day… Well see… If I am around after tonight I will post again.