I have batteled depression since I was a teen, I am 31 now. I just started really getting treatment and tring to stick with it over the past year or two. I have a wonderful truley caring psychiatrist and am on a number of meds as she tries to find something that works.  In the mean time suciadal thoughts and idealations are a part of everyday life, I just want to be shut out and isolated from everyone so far that my mind keeps putting thoughts into my heads as to ways to kill myself. And I have tried, twice as a teen and twice in the past 3 months.  The first time in April I admitted that I tried, my husband freaked out and told the kids that I wanted to kill myself so I wouldn’t have to be their mother anymore. Which definetly isn’t the reason, and most the times when I am feeling sucidal that is enough to bring me back from the edge is thinking of my kids and event though I am a crappy mom it’s better than no mom at all, and for some reason my kids still love me. However when I am at my worst I don’t think about my family, just about ending my life and in my heart I know it’s not what I want but my head wants out of this life. I ended up in the hospital twice during that month period( which if you ever think you need to go to the hospital to protect yourself, go, it’s not as bad as it has been made out to be, if anything it was stress free and very relaxing.) And just this past week I tried agian. both times nothing happened but making myself sick and nauseus for a few days with a horrible taste in my mouth.
But how do I get the thoughts to stop and keep them from taking over. I learn coping techniques but when I get to that point, I am not thinking straight or at all so they do not help. I can’t find a trigger, though I know the summer is the hardest time of year for me due to flashbacks and panic attacks from trauma when I was a teen. I finally made an appointment with a counselor because the meds alone are not working. I really hope it helps because I am scared and frustrated.
4 comments
Counselor is a good choice hope they can help you work through that past trauma.
Intrusive thoughts are very difficult to control. Maybe you can try to distract yourself from your thoughts of suicide. Try to think about something neutral or something pleasant and focus on that . If you focus on different thoughts, your suicidal thoughts may subside.
There are so many ways to distract yourself. Try whatever works for you. Watch some funny TV shows or films you like. Listen to music you like Spend time with your kids. If you have any hobbies, engage in one or more of them.
I know it’s hard, but try to get through the summer. Summer is the worst time for me, too. I can’t wait for it to be over.
I have the same issue. I feel i have taken all i can out of counselling. I’ve tried meds but the ones i have taken gave me too many negative side effects. I’m not angry; i’ve forgiven the people in my past for the most part. I keep thinking: if i just save up this much money, if i just get this car, if i just get this condo, if i just get this boyfriend…. then i will ne happy. But i still have the thoughts in my head. The only time i did not have the suicidal thoughts is when i was in love and engaged. That ship has sailed. We broke up and i am surprised i got through the yr. My goal is to somehow make it on my own. Some days are better than others. I started dating again. I just know i should not be that dependent on anyone or anything but then–what else is there. We are human. I wonder if we even reach that point in life. It is confusing. I will keep trucking along. Best wishes.
Thank you for the kind words pantouffe that is the problem when the intrusive thoughts come in it’s hard to push them out and think about anything positive. One of the issues with my depression is that I need to be isolated, I have a very hard time spending time with my family even when I make myself.