I am so lost, I’m scared I can’t be found

i don’t know who i am anymore. i don’t know where i’m going, i dont think i want to go anywhere. i want everything to end. now. i’ve come to the dead end, the end of no return. i no longer know what it’s like to be happy. happy- what is that word? what does that even mean? i wish i could wake up in the morning and love my life and love everything around me. but i dont. i wake up hating the person i am in the mirror, i hate the sun, and the flowers, and the trees. i hate the day time. i hate anything that’s beautiful because it hurts. i love the night. it’s dark and gloomy, just like my life. i’m 19 years old, on my second year of college. academic probation, lost financial aid, no idea what i want to do in life. last year, for my first year of college i lived with 3 of my best friends. i had a blast, partied, smoked weed, had sex. typical college life. things were good until my grades started slipping, i lost my car, i had an awful job with awful people, money was a struggle. my dad hated giving me money, my mom has never given me money in her life. my sister and i are complete strangers, who is that girl? after my first year i was forced to move home, forced to find a job which i still have not found 3 months later. i try and try and nothing works. my mom moved to florida to be with her fiance, my dad is now engaged to the wicked witch of the west, my sister is a stage five clinger with her boyfriend, and then there’s me. sad, pathetic, me. i feel like i’m not worthy of anything. i have lost myself. i sometimes find it hard to even remember my name. my depression is getting worse, it’s building up, i feel like if i don’t kill myself, the depression is going to kill me. living with my dad is hell. he treats me like such a burden, he hates me, i wish i didn’t have to make him suffer. the guy i’m in love with doesn’t love me. we barely talk, he’s moved on, to one of my friends. great feeling. the one person i thought would never give up on  me did. i have a lot of friends. they all have perfect lives, my life is a joke compared to their lives. i love xanax,i love the feeling of not forgetting. i love lortabs i love feeling numb. i love weed, i love eating my feelings. i am just a sad pathetic loser. and as my dad tells me, i’m going nowhere. if this is the case, i might as well end my life now before it gets even worse than it already is. i just want to be happy. but i am so far from that. i want to be gone i want everyone to miss me and think about how they treated me. especially my dad. i want my heart to stop beating, right now. i don’t want to feel anymore. i hate feeling.