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I’m not OK

by SnowViolet

People think I’m happy, but I’m not. I never tell anyone about my feelings. So i just wanted to share my story here, and say what I don’t have courage to say to people around me.

Apparently, I have a really good life. I have a loving family and lots of friends who care about me. I’m shy but I always try to be nice and people tend to like me. I’m a university student and get good marks, I have a part-time job and I still have some time for my hobbies. The problem is, I’m not happy with that. I don’t know why I’m here. I have dreams and goals, but they seem useless.I don’t know what’s the point of what I do. I don’t like who I am, but I don’t know who I would like to be.

One of my biggest issues is my weight. I have an average weight, in fact most people say I’m thin. But I’m obsessed with my body image and I think I have bulimia. I tried seeing a therapist, but it didn’t help. A few years ago, I started cutting myself to outsource all the anxiety and pain I was feeling inside, but I managed to stop after a year or so.

Another problem is my lack of trust in people. I’ve always been an introvert, and although I know a lot of people, I’ve only had a few real close friends. But the very few times I’ve had someone I really trusted, they’ve let me down or just got away from me, so now I can’t share my feelings with anyone. Same applies to boyfriends. I’ve just had one, I really loved and trusted him, but he broke up with me. Since then I can’t fall in love and I refuse every guy who is interested in me because I fear that he will just use me and then break up with me.

I haven’t had what people call “a hard life”, but I can’t see the bright side of life anymore. I’m not seriously thinking about suicide because deep down I believe that things are going to change and someday I’ll be happy, but right now I don’t feel like being alive at all. I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to go out but I don’t want to stay at home either. I have tons of interests and hobbies, but lately I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want to exist, I want to disappear. Sometimes the idea of cutting my wrists and bleeding to death is really tempting to me. But I don’t want to die. I still have hope.

I just wanted to write it down and post it. If anyone has read it, thank you.

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6 comments

chase 8/15/2012 - 2:01 pm

I feel the same. Everything seems perfect on the surface , but deep within something is completely destroyed.

Opaque 8/15/2012 - 4:29 pm

Lots of similarities. I don’t trust people. I bottle everything inside. I’ve Isolated myself. Only time I go out of the house is to attend classes and to go to work.

somedaysoon13 8/15/2012 - 11:17 pm

Lots of the same things with me. I always try to act ok in front of everyone when I’m not, anxiety eats away at me and I’m out of motivation, I’ve been hurt in my relationships and now my trust issues have ruined the relationship I’m still trying to hold on to, yet I have a decent family and friends. No matter what though I can’t escape these feelings. It’s nice to hear someone else is the same.
Best of luck

Shivi 8/16/2012 - 6:16 am

I know its hard to feel all these.. I go through all this everyday.. I am also a student.. I hell hate my Life!.. I had been hurt in relationships.. I am not able to trust peoples anymore Bcoz Everytime I do.. They Break My Trust and With these Broking Trust.. a Part of me also Broke!! I hate this Life !! I also don’t want to die.. But I think I have to!

Anywayz Good Luck! 🙂 Don’t Worry and Smile!

louise50 8/16/2012 - 11:07 am

You still have hope. That’s music to my ears SnowViolet (what a lovely name). Many of us here don’t, or are living on the merest flicker of that precious substance, hope.

Sounds to me as if you are suffering from depression. The loss of pleasure in things that you normally enjoy is a common symptom, as are the feelings of aloneness and loneliness.

Heard that old platitude ‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’. Well, my experience is there is some truth in that. I am starting to thihnk there may actually be some kind of evolutionary reason why we become depressed. It can be very character-building SnowViolet.

The beauty of your soul shines through your post Snow. Some people reading the last paragraph may be harbouring homicidal thoughts toward me atm. Why? Because it just sounds too goddamn harsh to tell people that there are good reasons for their anguish and pain.

If I hadn’t experienced the anguish and pain first hand – many many times, more than I care to count (I’m 50 years old) – I would be completely unequipped to make this observation.

But I have the feeling that for me, depression has operated sort of like the ‘refiner’s fire’ that the Bible describes Jesus as. I’m NOT a Bible thumper by the way, I just know bits of the Bible and cherry-pick the passages that ‘speak’ to me.

Depression can make you aware of different dimensions of existence. It can make you more compassionate. When you come out of it, you’re so grateful for the new lease of life. Everything seems washed clean and vibrant.

This is just my two penn’orth. Don’t shoot me down people! I’ve been seriously and suicidally depressed myself so many times. It’s no way to live. Everything hurts. Life is just one huge pain, infinite emptiness, a bottomless pit of loneliness. That’s why, tho’ I’m happy at the moment, I come back to try and ‘talk’ to suffering, lost people, to share my long experience of the depressed and suicidal state and the fact that there is ALWAYS hope for all of us.

I know that sounds platitudinous, something we all want to try and avoid. But on this occasion – for me, I have no choice but to risk coming across as a dick!

Bless you SnowViolet.

SnowViolet 8/16/2012 - 9:37 pm

Thank you for your answer, Louise. I’ve been reading about clinical depression and I don’t think that’s my case, at least not right now. Despite all my pain and anxiety, I still think that someday I’ll have the chance to be happy. Although this is probably how it starts, and I’m afraid that if I don’t change something I will be affected by depression sooner or later.
I agree with you that, if you manage to recover from depression, you learn a lot from that experience and it makes you stronger. But from what I’ve read not many people actually overcome it, if we consider the relapse and suicide rates.
Anyway, in your case I can see that you did take something good out of the suffering, and that’s admirable.

To everyone who read my post and commented, thank you very much. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one. Reading the replies made me feel less lonely. Best of luck to all of you.

PS: I’m sorry if there are any grammatical/syntactic mistakes in the post or the reply. English is not my native language.

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