People think Iâ€™m happy, but Iâ€™m not. I never tell anyone about my feelings. So i just wanted to share my story here, and say what I donâ€™t have courage to say to people around me.
Apparently, I have a really good life. I have a loving family and lots of friends who care about me. Iâ€™m shy but I always try to be nice and people tend to like me. Iâ€™m a university student and get good marks, I have a part-time job and I still have some time for my hobbies. The problem is, Iâ€™m not happy with that. I donâ€™t know why Iâ€™m here. I have dreams and goals, but they seem useless.I donâ€™t know whatâ€™s the point of what I do. I donâ€™t like who I am, but I donâ€™t know who I would like to be.
One of my biggest issues is my weight. I have an average weight, in fact most people say Iâ€™m thin. But Iâ€™m obsessed with my body image and I think I have bulimia. I tried seeing a therapist, but it didnâ€™t help. A few years ago, I started cutting myself to outsource all the anxiety and pain I was feeling inside, but I managed to stop after a year or so.
Another problem is my lack of trust in people. I’ve always been an introvert, and although I know a lot of people, I’ve only had a few real close friends. But the very few times I’ve had someone I really trusted, they’ve let me down or just got away from me, so now I can’t share my feelings with anyone. Same applies to boyfriends. I’ve just had one, I really loved and trusted him, but he broke up with me. Since then I can’t fall in love and I refuse every guy who is interested in me because I fear that he will just use me and then break up with me.
I havenâ€™t had what people call “a hard life”, but I canâ€™t see the bright side of life anymore. Iâ€™m not seriously thinking about suicide because deep down I believe that things are going to change and someday Iâ€™ll be happy, but right now I donâ€™t feel like being alive at all. I donâ€™t want to see my friends, I donâ€™t want to go out but I donâ€™t want to stay at home either. I have tons of interests and hobbies, but lately I donâ€™t feel like doing anything. I donâ€™t want to exist, I want to disappear. Sometimes the idea of cutting my wrists and bleeding to death is really tempting to me. But I donâ€™t want to die. I still have hope.
I just wanted to write it down and post it. If anyone has read it, thank you.