My Ultimatun

I am a deployed military member on my 3rd combat deployment. Since joining I have never seen any combat. No mortar has ever come close. No IED has ever went off. No shots have been fired at me. I joined to go fight. I wanted to achieve greatness and kill the enemy. I changed jobs this time in order to give myself a better chance of getting in an engagement. This time like every other time I have beem deemed too necessay for staying on the FOB. To make matters worse, my spouse was hit by a VBIED and while they are ok they now have a Purple Heart and combat recognition from the military. I resent my spouse for getting what I want. I can’t go home and see those medals and know I was never tested, I never experienced that. I have existed as an untested person and I feel like a coward. My desire is to get in a fight and shed some blood for this country. I have finally had enough with all the years I have devoted to the military and now have a final ultimatum. I will get exactly what I want from this deployment or I won’t be going home. While I feel bad to leave my family behind I cannot hold my head up if I come home again with nothing. I am ashamed of the uniform I put on every day. I feel so empty when I walk around here. Every time we get mortared I just sit in the open hoping that this is the one that hits close enough to give me some shrapnel so I can go home proud. I have a job to do here but as they continue to not use me for the purpose I am here I feel so useless. I don’t have that much time on this deployment but if I don’t get the recognition and the Purple Heart I will end it. I am a coward and will die a coward.