I thought I had beaten the bad thoughts, but apparently not. They’re back. Again… They’re back, they’re stronger than ever and I’m too tired to face them. I really wish people could know how many times I’ve fought this off…. How many times all I could think of was not waking up again. How many times I’ve drafted the same letter, trying to find the right words to explain to the people I love why I had to leave them. And each time, I get closer… The letter is now 11 pages long. It is placed in the right place to be found by the person who it is meant for. The right pills are always at arms reach at night, my razors perfectly sharpened across from it.
This started years ago… All I ever wanted was to be good enough, and it seemed like I never was, so I just tried harder. Until recently, when I realized I’d never be good enough. I’m not good enough for my own parents, much less myself or other people. When I walk in public, I feel like people see my inadequacies plastered over my shoulders like billboards, a walking advertisement to my own imperfections. What happened to the boy that was so self assured, so confident? Where has the spark behind his eyes gone? Why is his face always cast towards the ground?
That little boy grew up. His self assurance was destroyed when his own family laughed at and ridiculed him. His confidence thinned as he failed to meet the expectations of others over and over again. These days, it can be measured out in teaspoons… The spark behind his eyes that used to hint at an undying optimism has been quelled by life. Failure has been a harsh instructor to him. He no longer expects greatness, rather accepts mediocrity. It shows in his composure. These days, its more about just going through the motions. He is a member of a community that loves a God that finds him repulsive, so he casts his face downward to save him from himself. Praying that the demons would all just go away. But their torment never ends. And things just get worse. And in the middle of it all, I’m breaking. No one knew until recently but now its starting to be noticeable. I need help.
The demons that used to haunt my head are starting to get out. They taunt me during the day, they drive me away from all the things that I love the most…And my nights, offer no relief. There is no rest in sleep. My eyes stay open until dawn every day, and I do it again the next. Hours of fighting an enemy that doesn’t tire. And every morning, when I wake up, I realize that I won that round, but the next is just beginning. Eventually, I will not win. Soon I will be too tired to fight anymore. And I’m so mixed up, I couldn’t tell you if that was a good thing or not.
13 comments
hey I’m here.
email
clarity1987@hotmail.com
is this an emergency???
I don’t think so, I can make it. Its just not good for me to be alone with the thoughts in my head, you know?
“A walkinq advertisment to my own Imperfections”I never saw It like that but It makes complete sense.Wow just wow.
OMG. It really amazing to know how similar we are, as I too have written and rewritten (at least 20+ times) the same letter for a solid year trying to word it just right. Trying to express all the things I wanted to say and try to comfort my mom with words of encouragement, but all that really hard getting that info on a single college rule paper.
if u want to talk (email) or instant message me on hotmail….I’m here
I know life is worth it, and I know it gets better, but times like this when I’m alone, its like my eyes are glazed over with grayscale lenses. it doesn’t matter how badly I want to see in color, how desperately I want to believe it. I just can’t bring myself to…
thanks, I’m IM’ing you now.
I shared a lot of the same feelings as you right now. I spent most of my high school days trying to please everyone and “fit in”, but no matter how hard I tried nothing ever seemed to work. Then I decided fuck it, I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I’m not. So I took the mask off and started to be myself. The problem is, people degraded me even more when I did this. But the freedom felt really good, at least I wasn’t pretending anymore. It really helped me when I talked to people in the same position as me–or as you put it, being part of a community that god supposedly despises. On that topic I have to say this: God doesn’t make junk. Be who you are and cherish it. Hope this helps some 🙂 Good luck
I want to just move away from it all… Go somewhere without all the pressure and just…. be.
I can completely relate to this
Guys, as an update, my grandma just walked in, I think I’ll make it… for now. Thanks. I’ll stick around if any of you want to talk some more though. 🙂
I’m glad you are not alone anymore try and get to a councillor and see if you can get some help.you are too young to die nobody likes it when a young one takes their life think hard death is permanent so are scars I spent alot of money getting mine removed by a plastic surgeon I only wish someone told me what I’m telling you hang in there
My god it’s like reading a mirror
Wow. This post really speaks to me. So eloquent, and something I can relate to significant parts of. A lot of what you say is the kind of thing I’d use to describe myself, only with far more eloquence than I could ever muster.
Please stick around and provide us with more of your thoughts.
All the best.