Feeling like a loser, so why keep trying.

I just discovered this website and reading some of ya’ll’s posts called out to me and made me want to write stuff down. So why not do it for you people, someone who gets what im going through.

In less than 2 months I’ll be 22 years old. I’ve been thinking about suicide since i was 12. Depression and anxiety have been a part of my life since I was a baby. I remember being 4 or 5 years old, and feeling anxious and unsafe all the time. I grew up in a home where fighting, co-dependency, depression and hysteria was considered normal so I didn’t realize that my dark thoughts were abnormal until few years ago. When I turned 12 everything changed. I began to realize that i was different, alternative from others.

I thought being depressed, suicidal and insecure to the point where you find yourself disgusting were just a part of puberty, a part of growing up. But when I turned 20, I finally reached out and started seeing specialists. I was put on all sorts of medication, therapy and i even took classes to work on my anxiety. I’ve never gotten an answer to what is wrong with me. What’s my medical condition? What makes me different to others? My first therapist told me that i suffered from ”Social Phobia”, my first doctor gave me pills for ”anxiety and depression”, and so did my last doctor. This one doctor told me that i suffered from ”Borderline Personality Disorder”. I basically still have no idea why i find it impossible to control my mood and actions.

All I know is that I can’t seem to handle life and I feel like killing myself everyday. I should be used to it since it’s been on my mind for almost 10 years, except this time around (or for the last year) the thought of dying has never been so liberating. My death has never been as close to me as it is now.

After smoking weed for 6 years without any complications or problems I found myself completely and utterly addicted to/dependent on this wonder drug. This started a year and a half ago. I thought it was making my mental problems go away which is the reason why i started smoking everyday, turns out it made everything worse. My doctor told me that for normal people smoking is close to harmless, however for mental patients…not such a good idea. He basically told me that it could make me crazier than ever and that i had to stop smoking asap. I haven’t taken his advise yet. I know that the weed is pushing me more and more towards depression but at the same time, it works as well. Deep inside (and considering everything that people who love me have told me) I know weed is the reason why i lost my way.

Despite my mental issues for the last 10 years, I always managed to function in life. I graduated from college, never had a problem finding a job, had a lot of friends and people liked being around me. Now just the functioning feels exhausting. Even then I considered suicide, I can’t even count how many times I’ve taken bunch of pills at the same time, not knowing what’s gonna happen, for one plain purpose : To Escape. Obviously I didn’t die.

I was never living. I was surviving. The point is that weed made me weaker and now surviving doesn’t seem to matter as much.

I have 2 reasons for why i haven’t killed myself yet :

1. My family

2. I’m too much of a chicken shit to go through with it.

I’m such a loser, that I can’t even find the strength to end my nightmare aka Life. All i keep thinking is why am i trying so hard to survive if i don’t even want to?