I dont want attention. I dont want anyones pity. I dont want people to tell me how I was wronged in this big bad world. I dont want people touching me, hugging me..
I dont want to acknowledge how hard I have been hitting rock bottom for months. Not months, years. Ive been hitting it over and over again, and I think I finally managed to break the ground and go beneath it.
What I really want is for someone to hold me. Not just a hug. I want to be hold all night to wake up in those same arms the next morning. I want to be loved. In a way that people are supposed to love each other.
I make it impossible to let this happen because I dont want anyone coming close. Im afraid when they look through my mask they’ll see what a disgusting monster I really am. Because I really am.
I dont even need someone to love me. not really. I would just want, someone who cares. Someone who puts up with all of my shit and understands that I’m really trying my best. Someone who will not leave when things get harder than expected.
I wish someone would ask me how I’m doing and actually cares about how I’m doing. Because if anyone really cared, they would see that I’m not really fine. That Im at the verge of a mental breakdown literally every second of the day.
But what I want most is death. I can’t live with myself. I shouldnt have to live like this. I shouldnt have to wake up everyday with these voices in my head. I shouldnt have to fight against myself everyday.
I really need to work out a plan. Fuck. Im so afraid I’ll fail.