My Desires for the Blue Mermaid

Hello.

I think I’ll start with introducing myself so that, you know who I am and you won’t have to put it all together in confusion.

My name is James, but I like to be called Jamie. It’s more fitting and all of my friends call me that.

I’m 16 and enduring my Junior year of high school,  so far the hardest year of my life.

 

There are many things that make me sad, which seems to be the case for most sincere people on this site, so I’ll just break my rant up into parts according to what’s going on.

My Brain

The thoughts that I have are so unorganized, compared to the things that I do. I consider myself to have a minor OCD. It doesn’t consume me really, I just like to have things symmetrical or perfectly asymmetrical. Basically things have to appear correct to me. The thoughts in my head though, there are so many. I usually listen to music in the morning to get me going, and all day my head will have music in the background of my thoughts, random songs whether I enjoy them or not. I try to brush them out but they keep on playing, so I am forced to listen. Along with my mental playlist, my brain tries to think of too many things. In class is the best example, my though process looks like: *Music* “Okay let’s try to focus on this for a good grade but I wonder if Brittany is thinking about me? I doubt it, she said she liked Austin. Austin is going into the army soon I think so maybe they won’t stay together long if ever- no shut up. Time to focus on the subject. For the quadratic formula you do this and this..,” *Music* It seems insane but I assure you, I’m rather calm and have no desire to brutally murder or hurt anyone. So this isn’t an insanity plea.

My Heart

I’m in love with a girl. For real in love though. I think that people have to determine what love means to them, and if they can’t determine it, it will come to them when they meet that perfect person. For me, I determined that love is non-stop thinking about someone, and constantly imagining a possible and wonderful life with them. My love story is a bit disappointing, though, making everything all the more dramatically difficult. Her name is Brittany, and she is literally everything I could want in a life partner. She’s very magical, very soft, very beautiful. She likes to be free, she likes the idea of breaking away from everything that annoys her and just doing as she sees fit, and I love her. All I want is to spend the majority of every waking day with her. My life would be much easier, if she loved me back.

The thing is, we are like a best friends thing right now. We had a thing about a year ago where we almost began dating, but her ex pledged he still loved her so on so forth, eventually they got together again and eventually he cheated on her again. So, about a month ago, we started talking and texting and sharing again. It felt good, I felt like she loved me back. I’m pretty sure she does, but I don’t think she wants me to be her boyfriend. She told me that she was going on a date with another guy recently (the Austin fellow, who is much better than I) and it tore my heart vessel by vessel.

I remain calm, though. No crying about it yet, no yelling at nothing beyond a few times when I was alone. It just feels like my heart is blissfully quiet. Kind of done being disappointed in me. Disappointed that I wasn’t good enough to accomplish my most important goal.

My Body

I appreciate you so much if you’ve read this far. I feel like if I write this well I’ll be able to save it and maybe use it in a book. Anyways, everyone worries about their appearance in some degree, and I am no exception. I’m actually rather skinny and am five foot, eleven inches tall, so not bad. I figure my bone structure is pretty handsome, but I feel like I’m not good enough. Compared to other guys, I don’t have that charisma or that perfection. Everyday I try to workout, to get rid of those extra bits of fat that make me feel so gross and uncomfortable. I strive for good abdominal muscles and toned limbs, but I don’t stay consistent, and it’s really making this effort a challenge. I want to be beautiful for Brittany, she deserves a hot boyfriend who will love her for everything she presents to the world. If I can figure out a healthier diet and start working out, I know I can be that guy.

My Social Abilities

Fairly average I would say. If I were to be labeled in a high school labeling system, I would be a: geek, prep, hipster, pot-head (but I haven’t smoked ever, considering it), grungy and witty types. I feel like a mix of everything, so I don’t really feel like I belong specifically anywhere. I have friends from every background, of every race and from every ethnicity. But I don’t feel a belonging. I have a large group of preppy average kids that have a slight geek to them, that I hang out with. I have a smaller group of underground pot-head grunge geek kids, who would bash me for writing something on a suicide help website. They believe that “don’t be a little *****” is the way to live life, and I love them like brothers but, my emotion are stronger than theirs, so I can’t help but be a little whiny sometimes.

I really want my driver’s license and a job. I think with those tools I would feel better. My mother gave me her old car to help push me towards getting the license, but I am required to drive 60 recorded hours to get it, and she won’t lie for me. With the car I would be free. I wouldn’t have to ask for rides, I wouldn’t be stuck in my house painfully desiring to “stop being lazy”. I can’t help being lazy with nothing to do. I would just pick Brittany up and drive somewhere alone at night to talk to her. Just talk for hours and enjoy the silence of night. Whether she has a boyfriend or not.

My Family

My parents divorced at an awkward time. I got to see what kind of a man my father is, and what kind of a woman my mother was. I am not pleased, but I have never loved them as much as I have after the divorce. I worry about them, they’re great people. They’re innocent.

What I Told Brittany/How She Reacted

She asked me; “Do you love me?”

I told her; “Yes I do.”

She asked me; “Why?”

I told her this:

Honestly, I take an hour out of my day to just sit and think about you. 

In class, it’s just “You, you, you.” All day in my mind, it’s crazy. I’m on my way to failing AP English 3 because I know I’ll see you during lunch.

Which is just around the corner.

I think of your eyes, your hair, your smile, when you look down when you’ve been complimented, when you look up to look at my eyes, when you do that thing with your lips to be cute. Let’s not forget when you sing to hear something serene, and when you dance to feel something magical.

I think of what I’m going to say to you, what would you say to me? I struggle and struggle with telling you how I feel. I struggle and struggle with stopping myself from bursting out of Algebra fucking 2, to run down the hall and fucking kiss you.

But alas.

My imagination is large.

I’m not even sure you see me that way as well.

But, you never know.

She said to me; “Oh Jamie.”

After this I felt an odd bond form between us, like we were never going to lose each other. But nothing really went beyond that, things went back to normal. She continues to be more open with me and use the excuse “Okay, only because you love me.”, yet all I want to hear is “Okay, only because I love you.”

It felt really good telling her all of that, though. I writing out a poem like that to tell someone how you feel.

Why I’m Posting Here

So here is the great question, that my annoying self finally got to: Why am I posting here? Why do I want to commit suicide? Why do I want to just die?

Well, I feel like I won’t reach the goals I have set out for myself. I worry that I won’t be able to hold Brittany, I worry that I won’t ever write an award winning book, I worry that I won’t be a successful Director, I worry that I won’t live in nature, I worry that I’m going to look back on my life, and say “You wasted it all.” The only thing keeping me from jumping, is not knowing how it’s all going to work out.

I appreciate those who followed through with the reading, thank you for your time.