The Big Day

Well today’s the day. Sunday. The plan was to end my life tonight. Leaving a couple different notes addressed to different people. I’ve wanted to do this for a long time. Planning since the beginning of the school year, which started August 27, the day before my birthday. The plan was to wait until after my parents went to sleep, then go do it. My method is not the most preferred method out there, in fact many people hate it and think it’s like THE WORST one. But I have my reasons and I have tried twice before, failing obviously. Waking up in a hospital room surrounded by “friends” and family that all look at you with these expressions… Expressions of disbelief. Expressions of loathing and distrust. Twice. This time was to be different. This time I would not scream out at the initial shock of pain. Because after doing that twice, I realize that after that initial moment of pain, there is no more. There is simply the slow fade to black that occurs in every good story. My mistake was warning the audience that the show was almost over. I guess I hadn’t prepared myself properly the first two times. I didn’t realize that there would be such a huge difference in cutting myself horizontally versus vertically. But there was. And the plan this time was to do it again. Dumb, right? It already failed twice, why try again? Don’t you think the outcome will be the same? No. This time I was to be ready, and take extra precautions because reading these stories on suicide project made me realize that being ready for death in your head, does not mean that your body will give up for you. It will try to keep you alive no matter what because that is the instinctual thing to do. So my concern was that no matter how prepared I was, that I would still scream out or somehow prevent myself from passing out peacefully. Oh, and for those of you thinking that my method is not peaceful, I can’t change your mind. I realize that it seems to be the opposite of peaceful. I don’t even know why it is peaceful for me. The feeling I get after cutting horizontally is wonderful. Like all the pain in my life is gone. Like it’s being sucked into the tiny incision on my forearm. The feeling was multiplied when I cut vertically. I didn’t think that feeling could get any better, but it did. Maybe I wanted to scream out and live just so I could experience that feeling again. Words give so little meaning to it. And I won’t say “go do it yourself” or something. But that would be the only way for anyone to understand. Anyway, getting back on track. How to ensure, without a doubt, that it would work this time? Well ask any normal 16 year old and he would say to just duct tape your mouth shut. But I refuse to do that. I refuse to be found like that. It’s simply a personal preference. I won’t be found like some murdered captive that was bound, gagged, then slowly forced to suffer an agonizing death. Even though that is exactly what I am. I don’t want their last image of me to look like that. This was the plan: I would, as I said, wait until everyone was asleep. I would then go into the bathroom. I would shut and lock the door that leads into the bathroom. On the outside of the door would be a note to whoever is trying to get into the bathroom to call the police and to not come in. Once I did that, the plan was to use the kitchen knife that I selected a long time ago to do the job. There is a blade sharpener in the kitchen as well so I would use that first and make sure that the knife is as sharp as possible. The plan then was to leave my notes a safe distance away on the counter. I would then turn on the shower  and make the cut, allowing the blood to go down the drain. I don’t want there to be some huge mess for them to clean up. Now how to prevent myself from being stopped? I decided that I couldn’t prevent MY body from reacting to the initial shock. But I could prevent anyone from hearing my little outburst. I bought some Mighty Plugs online and have been keeping them hidden in my room. I would give my mom 1 pair sometime today and tell her to use them tonight and see if she liked them. This would raise no suspicion because my father snores all night. I know my mom and I know that she would use them. My father also sleeps like a rock and never wakes up. Even when I screamed those first two times, it was my mother who woke up and woke my father. So I’m not worried about him, but I would put the earplugs in his ears while he is asleep. (Or at least one in one ear if he is sleeping on his side.) And of course I would check to make sure my mother has hers in before proceeding. If not, then I would just wait until the next day, and ask her about the ear plugs, and if they worked or not. She would then say that she forgot to wear them and would wear them the next night. I would just wait until then. I am fully aware that earplugs would not prevent someone from hearing some screaming. But keep in mind that the ‘scream’ I’m talking about that happens for me is more of a yelp. It isn’t EXTREMELY loud and it only lasts for a split second. So the earplugs should suffice. Now, you may have noticed that I have been saying “the plan was”, and not “the plan is.” Sorry to dash your hopes, but that does not mean I’m choosing to live. This is my plan. It is still my plan. And I believe it will work. The reason that I am saying “was” is because now there is a new part to the plan. The part where I thank everyone on suicide project for reading my posts and commenting words of encouragement. I owe all of you very much. You made my last few days bearable. Thank you for the compliments and the advice. Thank you for everything. The post “Note to my Classmates” is the actual note I am leaving them. I might have modified it a bit, but it is pretty much the same thing. The post script on it is not part of the actual note, I just wanted to include that on the post because it was an early draft of a note I was going to leave, but decided against it. The post “”Are You OK?”” is just a rant really. It doesn’t require an explanation. The post “Little Victories” was a story that happened very recently. This past week. I wanted to share it to see what people thought, whether they thought I was stupid or gave me respect for it. It turns out, it was a bit of both. I agree. But this will be my final post (hopefully). “The Big Day” seemed an appropriate title. All that’s left is to wait for my parents to fall asleep. It’s Sunday so they shouldn’t stay up too late…