I’m not sure what to do, please help me.

I’m 21 years old. And there are reasons why I keep having bad thoughts:

I have an abusive mother and stepfather, my dad passed away in February this year.

When my dad passed away, I had to grieve alone as my mother and step father did not want to know.

My mother and step father had been abusing me emotionally and physically for years until I moved out at the age of 18.

I’ve finally plucked up the courage to tell them that I do not want to know them/be in contact with them anymore. I didn’t do this to make a stand- I did it because I genuinely felt like if I continued to let them bully me- then I would kill myself.

I have friends, but none of them want/care to know how I really am and how I’m coping. They’re all fair weather friends. What’s funny is that I seem so friendly and outgoing to everyone– I’m actually going out tonight… but really I don’t have any core friends who would drop everything to help me. And I guess that’s the same with everyone- but they have family and I don’t. Someone I’d consider a close friend of mine today saw me in a shop and tried to walk away from me so I wouldn’t see her (I’m not being paranoid- she really did). She then said she’d email me about seeing me tonight- but hasn’t. I have plenty of ‘friends’ but I’m so very alone.

I’m going to be alone this Christmas. It isn’t just Christmas for me it’s also my birthday. And the thought of this is so unbearable to me.

I’ve been trying to get counselling but everywhere is full and I have awkward times I can go to counselling because of work.

I really like my job, it’s a one year internship- but already someone at work is trying to sabotage me. I’m a hard worker and that intimidates people.

It seems obvious to me that I’m not good enough for people, people don’t want to know me. What’s the point in being alive when I have nothing. I know that’s ridiculously dramatic but that is how I feel. No one knows that I’m having these thoughts- and I need help.