They say it gets better, and that it won’t last forever. But  I wonder when it will start for me?
It started 3 years ago. I had heard my parents fighting, and then my dad put a gun to his head and he said no one would care if he pulled the trigger. But his 12 year old daughter was watching from the doorway, and to her it mattered very much. I never told him I saw that, so he can’t understand how much that messed me up. That year was already bad. I was bullied for my weight and I’ve never really gotten over that. But then the next year they announced he was leaving. I learned a few months later he was having an affair. That was a problem by itself. And the next summer, right before I started high school, he said he asked  her to marry him. And she said yes. That was the very first night I ever cut myself. I only told 2 people about it. They didn’t say much, I knew they cut too. When I did it, the whole world seemed to melt away, and I was finally in control of myself. I was 13. That year was the worst school year I have ever had. I fell in love twice and both boys rejected me. One even wanted me dead. I then had to endure my father’s wedding to another woman while pasting a smile on my face just to be happy for him. He moved into her house with her daughter and live a new life. And everyday I have to life with the fact that he left us for something better. And every night I try to tell myself that it’s not my fault. But I can’t believe it. He left because he realized I wasn’t going to become anything in my life. I will always be the ugly fat girl no one wants to be with.
This school year started 2 months ago. Every single one of my friends knows I cut myself now. I even gave my razors to one of my friends. All but one of them, I couldn’t let go. I had a huge fight with my mom and she found the cuts on my wrist. Lately I’ve thought a lot about suicide. I know exactly how I would do it. There is a hello kitty bottle beside my bed on  a table that most people think is just a toy. But what no one knows is it is filled with 40 pills that I can take if it gets too much. To many nights I have stayed up contemplating whether or  not to take them. I told 2 people about that. Neither of them told me not to do it. It makes me wonder if I really mean anything to anyone.
I’ve taken many online tests -which probably isn’t the most accurate-  and every single one told me I was severely depressed. I want to ask someone for help, but I’m afraid that they will just laugh at me and say I’m seeking attention. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have many options left. I need help but I have no idea what to do.
3 comments
I know exactly how you are felling in so many ways. I know you want to kill yourself and you think about it quite abit but don’t you don’t know how many people will miss you when you die. You may think that nobody will but trust me a lot of people will care more than you think probably. And the people you think won’t care at all could really surprise you
Dear imsodone12, stop cutting and throw away the pills. What you think, you become. Although there are many problems in your life there is one very big problem, which is, you have not connected with your POSITIVE inner self. All the blows you had in your life might have prevented you from doing it. When was the last time you have been truly happy. Who are you really? What makes you happy? Just let go. For one moment(if u can manage, an hour), stop thinking about your father leaving you or your weight or your friend’s “seeming” lack of empathy and if this were the last week of your life what would you do?
Awwww miss, I wish I could give you a big hug right now and make it all better. That being said, I know it will never happen, and I’m sorry about that.
The fat girl noone wants to be with is you? Miss, (sorry, I don’t know your name), I’m 16 and blind. If I could ever meet you, I wouldn’t judge you for your looks. That being said, I’m sure that someone will one day fall in love with you.
Yes, if you’re wondering, I’ve been rejected many times in my life by my loves. And yes, like you, it hurts so verry much. But just wait, someone will find you wonderfull and attractive. Just wait.
Yes, I’ll admit to you that the pretty girls get more of the guys, but if you have a wonderfull heart which it sounds like you do, then you should be just fine.
As for your father leaving you at 12, I can’t really say much about that. But seeing as you have been bullied, and your father left for another woman, You have every right to be depressed.
I’d see if I could get some help if I wer you. People who really care won’t think you’re seaking attention. They will really try to help.
If you ever want to chat or talk to someone about anything and everything, just email me.
My email address is brl.cents@gmail.com