They say it gets better

They say it gets better, and that it won’t last forever. But  I wonder when it will start for me?

It started 3 years ago. I had heard my parents fighting, and then my dad put a gun to his head and he said no one would care if he pulled the trigger. But his 12 year old daughter was watching from the doorway, and to her it mattered very much. I never told him I saw that, so he can’t understand how much that messed me up. That year was already bad. I was bullied for my weight and I’ve never really gotten over that. But then the next year they announced he was leaving. I learned a few months later he was having an affair. That was a problem by itself. And the next summer, right before I started high school, he said he asked  her to marry him. And she said yes. That was the very first night I ever cut myself. I only told 2 people about it. They didn’t say much, I knew they cut too. When I did it, the whole world seemed to melt away, and I was finally in control of myself. I was 13. That year was the worst school year I have ever had. I fell in love twice and both boys rejected me. One even wanted me dead. I then had to endure my father’s wedding to another woman while pasting a smile on my face just to be happy for him. He moved into her house with her daughter and live a new life. And everyday I have to life with the fact that he left us for something better. And every night I try to tell myself that it’s not my fault. But I can’t believe it. He left because he realized I wasn’t going to become anything in my life. I will always be the ugly fat girl no one wants to be with.

This school year started 2 months ago. Every single one of my friends knows I cut myself now. I even gave my razors to one of my friends. All but one of them, I couldn’t let go. I had a huge fight with my mom and she found the cuts on my wrist. Lately I’ve thought a lot about suicide. I know exactly how I would do it. There is a hello kitty bottle beside my bed on  a table that most people think is just a toy. But what no one knows is it is filled with 40 pills that I can take if it gets too much. To many nights I have stayed up contemplating whether or  not to take them. I told 2 people about that. Neither of them told me not to do it. It makes me wonder if I really mean anything to anyone.

I’ve taken many online tests -which probably isn’t the most accurate-  and every single one told me I was severely depressed. I want to ask someone for help, but I’m afraid that they will just laugh at me and say I’m seeking attention. I don’t know what to do and I don’t have many options left. I need help but I have no idea what to do.