Well, for starters i need to tell you i’m mexican. So my english may not be always great. When i was a kid i was a very spoiled girl, mostly i remember… (Or all of it) by my dad. He used to be my heroe. Literaly. This memories are just like a bomb in my head they come one after another in so much disorder that i cannot express them well. My parents used to fight always. There was screaming, throwing things, door slams, car persecutions, cheaters investigation, sarcasm about my dad in every adult convertation… My mom started to unload all of her trouble minded thoughts on me. She told me that there wasn’t a man who wont cheat or lie, i should accept it and on top of it, i should not bother my partner with anything cause i would be pushing him to run away with his mistress and it will be justified.
Well, my dad started to leave and come back once and again. He used to cry telling me it was my mother who wouldn’t let him come back. I hated her cause a saw him crying. So my mom thought it would be a god idea to take me over his bitche’s house when he was with her, and it turned out she was a well known whore from the block where i hanged out with my best friends. I was 13, my whoe world fell down. I started to scream at him and shit.
Well. After that i don’t remember if he tried to ome back again or if he did. I think he did, but sporadically. My dad was the one who never put a hand on me never hited me, while my mother always hited me. And also my brothers. She could saw them many times hiting me, even once she saw me laying down in fetal position getting kicked in my stomach and arms and legs by my brothers, and she was staring when they ended i asked her why would se do nothing and she answered that i deserved it for not staying quiet. She told me that i would also be hited by my husband if i kept on responding wheni should keep quiet. It is the tipically “machismo” from many countries specialy Mexico.
I got hited a lot. By my brothers and my mom. I begged my dad to take me over his place. Finally one day he did. But everything had change, he had got pregnant his mistress who was one year younger than my older brother. I lived with them. They got a girl. I don’t need to say i was replaced. He told me i already had my childhood and now was her turn. I was 16. I didn’t wanted to be a girl again, but i was totaly ignored. So i had no one but my boyfriend from then. He was a total douchebag, he hited me as my mother said, told me my parents didn’t love me and else. I tried to suicide but wasn’t “serious” so i took 70 pills more or less, and told him. He called the ambulance and well, it was a whole show and notice on the news cause mom had a business and dad was an important worker from a big company.
At the hospital that night they fought over who would stay with me because they both had to sleep cause they worked early. I told them both to go to hell, there where nursers to take care of me.
Well… There’s just so many things! I was sexualy abused by a female cousin, sexualy arrased by other male cousin, i used marihuana for a while, drank a lot, i was a slut, i didnt love anything of myslef and i still think somedays i wish that day back then when i took all those pills, i had died. I wish i had died. Now i have a home with two babies, but a trucker husband who’s never at home. Who has hited me. Humiliated me. I wish i could die without leaving my kids alone. …… Oh my god i just have so much to say and also y feel lazy about writting everything and anxious cause i can’t get tem in order of times or whatever… I’m desperate. I am starting to be my mom! I’m losing myself with my toddler! I often end up crying cause i spank him hard or pulled his hair! :'( my god someone help me i don’t want to do him the harm my mom did to me! 🙁 she always told me i was too fat now she tells me even worst things about myself that i am deformed… I can’t trust my husband i live with the obsession that he’s cheating on me even with my own friends online! I’m losing it… I’m always feeling that i’m puted aside by everyone, friends, relatives… I hated to see myself inte mirror naked. I disgust myslef and hate me so i stay at home all days, just laying, and being in bad mood. I don’t have energy for anything or will for anything. Some days i feel normaol and optimist. But there are days where i feel my chest is about to blow up and i wish i had a gun to shut my head so i can stop feeling pain in my thoughts!
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Hello Mrs. Murac.
Well, for starters, as whitey-white and Jewish as *I* am in my blood, I happen to have a bit of thing for Latino friends, and I tutor ESL Latino students quite a bit, so your English skills are not at all a problem here (I’ve seen all those grammatical mistakes and mishaps and so on, you’re really not that bad, very coherent compared to some clients I’ve had) so don’t add that yo your worries. 🙂
I make a point of being honest, and I’ll be honest with you right now, Mrs. Murac, as you’re so good as to be honest to me…
This would seem an instance where I’m a bit over my head; I’ve never even dated a girl, let alone loved or married one and had kids, and I’m just a college student, so you’re clearly older than I am, clearly have more life experience, so I don’t know how much I can help someone who’s so clearly older than myself and removed from my paradigm of experience…
But I’m always here to talk to, and to listen when you need a listening ear, so there’s a start, at least. 🙂
Anyway, I don’t have to tell you that your upbringing isn’t your fault. You didn’t choose your parents, didn’t do something to deserve being hit repeatedly, didn’t break up your parents or lead to your father’s actions, those aren’t your fault…they’re painful, I’m sure, and that’s normal. What’s more, it can even be cathartic, it can be used to fuel your motivations towards success, towards making your life better, making the lives of others better.
But when it’s just gnawing away at you, hurting you and giving nothing in return–you don’t want that, you can’t have that.
Don’t forget…but if you can, try and let go. Now, I know that’s easier said than done, and that such a statement’s not at all a new or novel idea, but all the same, it bears mentioning again. I can’t tell you how best to let go; I don’t know enough about you, about your life, and what might work for you…you have to ask yourself how you think YOU might be able to heal that…
But others can help you, and if you’d like, I’m always here to help.
As I said, that pain, when it gnaws away at you, and doesn’t lead to anything constructive, only destructive feelings, that then is the time to let go and separate yourself from actively feeling that…
That applies here, and what your fears are with your children, that you might turn into your mother and harm them the way she harmed you.
LET GO of that impulse, whatever it is, that drives you to do that. Again, I can’t say what it is, I can only talk and listen, not diagnose like a doctor, but I can help you, or you can do it yourself, if you like, but you need to let go of such feelings, Mrs. Murac, because they do you no good, they do you a disservice, and all they do now is continue to hurt you and begin to hurt your children.
You can stop the pain without shooting yourself.
You are WORTH stopping the pain without harming yourself.
You are worth it.
You care about your children, you show that, you said that, that you didn’t want to kill yourself because you didn’t want to leave your children alone.
Hang onto that feeling, draw from that feeling…it’s a feeling of selflessness, it’s something GOOD and something CONSTRUCTIVE, it’s a seed from which you can grow a new and better life, for yourself and for your children.
I’m a literature person myself, and there was a poet you have have heard of…
Dante.
And he begins one of the greatest works of all time with the line…
“Halfway through the story of my life I came to a gloomy wood I wandered off the path.”
Dante, in real life and the poem, was unhappy midway through his life.
In the poem, he takes another path than the one he’s wandered onto.
He goes on a journey…through Hell…through Purgatory…
And he finally makes it to his beloved Beatrice in Heaven.
You are halfway through the story of your life–
Take the better path, the one that leads away from the past of your mother and towards a better, happier future.
Now, Dante had a guide on that journey of his…Virgil, another great poet…
Because Dante realized that in our darkest hours…EVERYONE NEEDS A GUIDE…
EVERYONE NEEDS A HELPING HAND SOMETIMES.
So, if you want me, or someone here, or all of us here to be that helping hand, to be your guides to a better life–I, for one, am ready, and look forward to the journey.
In any case–take the better path. You can do it.
And I’m always here and all ears if ever you need to talk. 🙂