I am an 18 year old boy graduated from high school not too long ago. My first suicide attempt was after the first semester of Sophomore year. Drank half a bottle of rat poison because i was too chicken to hang myself. I never felt so alone as i did then. I was a ghost, my friends would talk to me but they didn’t care about me. They tried, but they never got me. The people who i loved the most my friends my family, it felt like i was nothing to them. Wen’t walking around everywhere with a hole in my heart wanting something to help with it. Friends, beer, drugs, nothing helped. Why was everyone so happy? Why was I the only outcast? So I thought everyone would be better off without me. And I thought wherever I would end up would be miles better than where i am now. A win win for everyone. Everyone started caring all of a sudden when I started cutting and after i took my first attempt. “They don’t know, they don’t care. How the hell do they know what I’m going through!?” The prozac didn’t do anything and i refused to take anything else. The counselor’s didn’t know anything about what a kid like me needed. And everything else stayed the same. I said to myself if this wasn’t going to get better im jumping on to the freeway when i reach 18.
I turned 18 in October and i can honestly say I’m genuinely happy. I get depressed every so often but not nearly as bad as before. And i can honestly say there was no straight shot out of my own torture. I’t wasn’t medicine or counselors or dating. It was a mess of talk with trusted friends, anger, and emotions to make me who I am now. But I know far too well that the same people in my boat don’t always have a way to turn. I was the one who loved everybody. I wanted to get that same love back, but never did. People like me didn’t ask for help. Because I knew that no one could help at all. But inside I was dying for that help i always wanted. I don’t have all the answers. But I damn heck know what cutters go through, or at least cutters like me. After some long nights thinking about memories I found this site. I just teared up. I don’t know what i can do, but if anyone just wants to have a talk about the shit we go through I’m for it. I just want to help. I got the scars to prove it.
4 comments
Skypee or email or anything? Definitely wouldn’t mind getting my mind off things once in a while.
rnuon94@gmail.com
I’d be glad to hear you out.
How how how do you get better????
I mean I am trying.
I got first really depressed when I was at 17, now I am 22.
I said I will end up everything on my 19th birthday. I tried, still here lol.
For me it’s getting up and down. My last suicide attempt was like 7 months ago in like one and a half year. When I woke up at the hospital, I swear I never do it again. But still think of it but thanks God no action. So it is getting better, right?
Though, I cut myself again a month ago.
Still wanna hurt myself sometimes but my friend took my knife so…I am not even allowed, for his sake, to have a scissor! LOL
One of the biggest things i learned to stop my depression was to stop looking for love from other people. I don’t know your story, but for me I cut because I didn’t belong in this world. I didn’t care about myself and I loved everyone in return. I thought it was what a good person should do. But no one gave me that same love back. And I was too nice to hate them so i turned to the only person i could hate, myself. All the time i would feel cold and meaningless as I tried to find someone to give me the love I wanted. But I learned that I could give myself the love I wanted. I learned to appreciate myself and always let that stand before letting other people affect me. Back when i cut i had a huge shell that i didn’t let anybody break because inside I was way too frail. They would hurt me like everybody else would. I eventually strengthened myself to where I would take the good out of life and reject the bad. But it took me loving and caring about myself, as selfish as that sounds. Because before you could truly love anyone else you care about, you have to love and appreciate who you are. That was my first step. If you want to talk one on one reach me on my email rnuon94@gmail.com. I want to hear your story.