I never thought it would come to this. Feeling sad and alone, sitting here looking at what I have done, and all that I know I will do. I think about suicide every day. I just look around and think ” If I jumped off that building, I would probably die.” Or ” If I open the car door and jump, I’ll be roadkill.” It’s constant. I have scars. I have tears. But most people around here don’t really understand. If I told my parents they would freak out. If I committed suicide then my siblings, they might blame themselves.  I’m at a dead end road, leading to sadness and death. My left hand now has fresh blood, along with my wrist. I hear voices telling my that I’m worthless, and a piece of shit, and that I deserve to die. That everyone will be better off without me. When I’m in the tub,I tried to drown myself. Twice.  almost  overdosed, and I nearly crawled onto my roof and jumped. I got to the point that I was taking the screen out of my bedroom window. I only stopped because my mom got home.  I can’t tell anyone around here about this. I know I should be speaking with someone about this. I just can’t. I got to the point tonight, because I am feeling like I’m worthless, and stupid, and fat. The voice (of whom I now call Frank :/) is nearly convincing me that if I die here, then I’ll be back where I belong, away from here, away from all this sadness and despair and death, to a kinder happier place. The catch; I have to die to get there. I nearly did just that. One fresh cut later to find out that it wasn’t deep enough, almost convinced to the point of saying “What the hell, no one here likes me, they are all faking, I should just get it over with…
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6 comments
why does life have to be such a sad burden. people say suicide is selfish. well theyre selfish for wanting to keep us here. we sit and stew in our sadness. it only gets worse. maybe in some cases things get better. mostly not. cutting soothes the pain for only a certain amount of time sadly. seeing the bright red blood helps loads though. even if it is just for the moment.
Yeah. I agree. It helps, even for a moment..
feeling alone is emotionally painful. i know that. im here if you want to talk.
Ok, thanks.
I have read many of these blogs, and like everyone who wrote, I believe that my situation is different.
Well … in fact, it isn’t. There are only two reason that people die: they run out of health, or they run out of luck. Of course, previous choices greatly play a part in both ( mainly luck), and when we all recognize that the key to transition is “letting go”, the process becomes much easier. At least for me it is.
I have had a very full life, adventures around the world in creating many things, and I did very well finalcially. I made a bad choice of business partners – my best friend of 55 years. I created a wonder investment vehicle, and we did well for nine years. Then a whacko Class Action lawyer sued my company, and from there it was down hill.
My partner, unknown to me, had been convicted of felpony bank fraud. He is a classic sociopath, and anyone around him is destroyed. He iss totally without conscious.
The result was that I was the partner, and when the suits came, I had to share the penalty. I am 71, and within two weeks or so, I will be peniless. I am currently no married, and I have no children. So for me, its pretty easy.
I have resigned myself to my fate, and accept it with little internal conflict. I am wrapping up a few tyhings, and I will take a few days vacation to Vegas with a girl friend,
and upon my return, I’ll exit.
I chose the ******** way. Other folks have inquired about getting the “parts”. ********, as others have said is simple. Local welding shop. If they ask, Beer and Ale are often modified by the infusion of ********. Party time and good story.
I bot a small tank, online and a pressure regulater. I have one dilema now. I am anticipating purchasing a SCUBA regulator, and simply inhaling through the mouthpiece, and exhaling through my nose. Two or three whiff and all should be done.
I am concerned about the bag because it begins filled with air, and then as you exhale – even if the ******** is flowing into the bag, the CO2 will also occupy space in the bag, and the concept of “just” ********, as opposed to “mostly ********” bothers me.
I would think to do it right “******** only should be inhaled, thus the SCUBA regulator.
Well, that’s my story, and I plan to exit sometime before Xmas.
Good luck to all of you. I know none of us ever believed we would exit this way, but I guess we never believed we would run out of luck, and health …. we all knew that would happen some day.
It is not so unusual, you know … to run oout of luck. Andrew Stevens ( Ambassador in Lybia) ran out of luck, as did his compatriots. Sacco ? Venzetti ? Car crashes, plane crashes … not so unusual. In most cases, they are not as fortunate as we who get to choose the time, place, and method.
It could be worse.
I honestly want to comfort you, I do, but I can’t. There is nothing I can say that will make you stop your suicidal thoughts. I’ve gone through exactly what you’re going through, and look where I am now.
Looking around you outside and all you can think of is suicide methods and how sufficiently it would do the job. Self harming, trying to escape to get to a better place- I understand, and I so desperately wish that you were happy and weren’t going through this. It sucks, doesn’t it? It sucks so much and all you want to do is just leave! And sometime through it, you forget completely about the pain, about the grief people around you would go through, and the only thing holding you back is something of importance.
I can’t help you. I know I won’t be able to. So please, try your best and get professional help. Talk to your family, talk to a therapist, just don’t give up on yourself. You can help yourself, you just have to try!