Too many mistakes.

THE most important thing you can do right now is show that you have the ability to leave him alone and give him some space. Do NOT fall for the Hollywood movie stuff where you start writing a bunch of letters, calling a bunch, trying to meet him. Nobody likes that in real life when they have requested to end a relationship. If you do anything like that, all you will be doing is confirming to him that you are controlling and possessive and you don’t know how to let go. So, don’t just be all talk and no action. You say you regret how you got too possessive and it affected the relationship. If you really mean that, then get yourself under control. Do not start thinking about how you could contact him or meet him. You will push him further away and he will really start thinking you’re crazy and make him want to get away.

Secondly, don’t just blame yourself. Really, this has been over since the day he told you he did not see you two getting married. Trying to keep it going after that point was just destined to fail eventually. Do you want marriage in your life? Don’t answer from the position you find yourself in now, don’t say you’re okay without marriage just because you think it would help your chances with him, answer honestly. Throughout your life, have you planned on wanting to get married some day? If so, then this should have been over the moment he said he wasn’t interested in that. Sometimes you can’t compromise just to stay with someone. Marriage is not something you compromise on.

I have struggling with being possessive in relationships. Even after it has ruined things for me and I swear never to do it again, I have let this pattern repeat in my life many times. It does not mean you’re a bad person though. It comes from insecurity and other issues. You made that comment that he was the only one you felt like you owned, that right there shows how badly you’ve let this possessiveness take over. You never, ever own anybody. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been in love for 100 years. Everyone owns themselves. You cannot control anyone or tell them what to do. They have free will. You have to let them do what they want. The only thing you have the right to do is control your own actions. So if you’re with someone and you’re worried that they are hanging out with other people or you don’t think that they are going to stay with you, you have no right to try to tell them to stop, all you have the right to do is decide if you are going to keep going in the relationship or if you are going to walk away. You only speak for yourself. You need to start working on that right now, and every day from now on. You never own anyone.

Rather than worrying about wanting him back or if you will ever find anyone else, you need to do some deep deep work to figure out what insecurities make you so afraid to let your romantic partners live their lives. The odds are very small that you will ever find someone who wants to stay with you 24/7 just because they love you. People want to have other friends and do other things. You could somehow manage to get back with this guy, but if you don’t fix yourself, that’s not really a success. You could try to move on and meet someone new. But if you act the same way, that is not a success. You need to put all that on the back burner and figure out yourself first.

I ruined many relationships acting this way. My last one ended right around this time last year. Rather than trying to find someone new, I have been single this entire time, the longest break I have ever taken, and it has been lonely, but I finally feel like I am doing the work to figure out what is wrong with me. Even if I met someone today I think I have the strength to be more easy going and not be controlling like I used to be, but I still don’t feel ready yet.

I have no way of telling you if you have any chance with this guy still or if it is over. The safest thing to do for yourself is just take his word for it. Believe him. He wouldn’t have told you he didn’t want marriage, and he wouldn’t have said to leave him alone, if he didn’t mean it. If you are a hopeless romantic and get all desperate like I used to do, you’ll find ways to convince yourself that he didn’t mean it, that you just need to send him a letter or go meet him in person. DO. NOT. DO. IT. You will push him so far away.

Your only chance is to show true remorse. It won’t work if you say “I’m so sorry baby that I never gave you enough space and I was too controlling, so here I am on your doorstop trying to convince you to get back with me, here I am writing you a big long letter trying to convince you I can change even though I’m being just as controlling as always”. Speak with your actions. He is going to be expecting that you are going to keep bugging him. Surprise him. Give him some time, space, and silence. And if he ever gets back in touch to ask why you haven’t tried talking to him, then that’s when you get to tell him “because I realized I was wrong, and I knew I owed it to you to respect your decision and give you some peace and quiet”.

It’s up to you if you choose to listen to me. Other people might reply to you and tell you to try talking to him, or send him a gift, or do something to make sure he doesn’t forget about you, etc. All I can tell you, is that I suffered from the same behavior that has affected you for very long. I was always controlling and possessive even though I did not intend to be mean. I just wanted the girls I dated to spend their time with me, and I was too insecure to handle it when they would want to go do stuff with out me. I felt like I was a piece of trash and that if they just went out for 5 minutes they would immediately realize they could find someone better to date. This is not a healthy mentality to have if you want to be dating other people. That’s why I finally stopped and have been single all year. I was tired of embarrassing myself and making my girlfriends miserable. After girls would break up with me I would keep trying, I’d write big long letters, I’d ask them to meet so I could tell them that I could change, but it was a lie. I wasn’t purposely trying to lie, but I didn’t realize I was just saying things out of desperation. You can’t cure jealousy and insecurity over night. You can’t tell someone that you’re suddenly cured, because it’s not possible. You are jealous and controlling for a reason, and you need to heal. Maybe it was something in your past, a previous relationship, or how you got along with your parents. Many things can cause it. But it is pointless to try to love another person when we are this broken. All we try to do is trap them and keep them with us because it makes us comfortable to finally know that someone loves us and stays with us. It suffocates the other person in the process though. We do not know how to have healthy love. When you love someone, if they want to go out with other friends without you, if they only want to hang out a couple times a week so you don’t get sick of each other, you’d understand that, it would bring you joy to know that you are giving them the freedom to go do what makes them happy. It doesn’t mean they are cheating on you or that they don’t want to be with you. Normal relationships involve letting the other person control their own lives. We don’t know how to do that.

Sorry for the long response but I hope it goes to show that I am serious about this, I’m not lying that I have been through this before so I hope you will believe my advice. The only reason I restarted my computer at 3:15am and started typing this is because I was checking the website from my phone, and when I saw your post, I knew I needed to answer. I know my advice is going to sound impossible and painful, and some voice in your head might even try to tell you that I’m wrong, that I just don’t understand your situation, that you really need to get in touch with him soon before this situation gets worse. I know that voice. That’s what I used to tell myself when people would tell me to leave my exes alone and just move on. I always told myself they were wrong. And I’d keep chasing after people who wanted to break up with me. It never helped. It never ended up like a romance movie where you chase after someone and finally they decide to love you again. I don’t know why some girls and some guys even like those types of movies, because it is so totally the opposite in real life. Nobody wants to be chased like that when they have asked you to leave them alone.

I hope somewhere in this jumble of words, I have managed to say the right thing, and you will decide to believe me. Because I would hate to see you get hurt more or embarrass yourself like I have before. I’m not saying you can never talk to him again. But at least for right now, you need to show him you have a backbone, you need to show him that you have the willpower that you’re not gonna show up on his doorstep or send him some big lecture of a letter. It’s not just for him, it’s also for you. You need to do damage control. Grieve if you have to, there is nothing wrong with it. Cry, call a friend if you have one, talk to family. Your relationship is ending and it’s appropriate to feel crappy. But don’t run after the person who dumped you. That’s not the right person to go to for healing your pain right now.

You may never get him back or work this out. It’s entirely possible you are done being together forever. But the only slight chance you have to win some points for yourself and make him see you in a different light is to show some control right now. Do not bug him. Do not beg. Do not act desperate and crazy. Your mind might try to tell you “but then he’ll think I don’t care, he’ll wonder why I’m not even trying to change his mind”. It’s not true. He knows you care. He knows how hard you held onto him the entire time. Just because you don’t show up to bug him doesn’t mean he’s going to think you’re happy and doing fine. I’m sure he knows you’re sad and probably expects that you are having a hard time with this. Have some self respect. Do NOT give away your dignity. That is my biggest regret about all my breakups. I said “screw dignity, I don’t care if I look like a loser for sending a letter or try to speak to her, it will be worth it in the end”. But once the dust clears and I look like a huge fool, I wish I could go back to those times and choose to keep my dignity instead. Have some self respect, just chill out for a while and digest what is happening right now.

It might sound wrong, you might not want to trust me, but my most important, golden piece of advice, is when someone breaks up with you because you were being too controlling, the best first step you can make is show them that you are capable of leaving them alone. Do not chase right now. It’s a scary feeling when you’re a controlling person. We always feel like there is something we should be trying to do to fix the problem. It feels unnatural to just not say anything when someone we love is walking away. But that’s what you have to do. I hope you believe me.