i grew up with both my parents being psychologists, arguing was usually a nightmare, watching them fight before the divorce was almost worse not that i was ever too broken up about it. What it taught me though was a very good understanding of the mental health system, and more so how to deceive it my entire life, i knew what to say and how to say it, which kept me out of the wards even when i was walking around with massive cuts on my arms. You see the problem with lying though is you distort reality, and thats just what i did and what was worse is that i had a great knowledge of psychology i knew all the symptoms to major disorders etc… but when i see symptoms in myself i no longer know if their real or imagined, i dont know what kind of a person doesn’t even know how they feel, I’m so confused it just makes me god damn furious i just want to scream that i want help but how can anyone one come close when i have no information to give them about how i feel, i just feel like i might be making myself go insane one moment life is beautiful the next its a grey husk a pitiful joke, a disgusting little worm squirming on the ground as it dies but not yet willing to lie still not accepting its imminent death. i regret saying things then i regret not saying things how the hell am i supposed to live like this, the one thing i can say for certain is a can’t go on like this i’m too weak.
this all just feels like one complaint to me, i dont like it at all, i dont know if it gets anything across, i dont know what i wanted to get across i’m going to kill myself after christmas its the only sensible option left on the table in my mind at the moment
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When I was a kid, my parents split up. I was only five so I don’t remember it much, but what I do remember is constant arguing in a big, empty yet echoing house. I was a quiet child and after they split up they worried about why I wasn’t speaking or showing emotion. They thought I was mentally unstable somehow, that the divorce messed me up, but in reality I was just observing them to every scrupulous detail I could. They sent me to a psychologist for years and she eventually gave up on me because I wouldn’t speak much…again, just observing. From then on I was a lot like you. I knew how to interact with people, not on a social level as much as on how I let them affect my life, how much I let them in to who I am, which I’m not even sure I know. I have always felt as though there is truly no one who knows the real me, which is my fault because I have always been to cautious to let them. I’ve always wanted to ask for help… I would go to my school counselor and ask a bunch of questions about school just wasting time hoping she would ask how my family life is or how I am doing. I would tell people I am an open book but no one would ask to read it. Eventually I was in a very dark place. I, like you, had no words to describe how I was feeling. Someone would ask what’s wrong and I would say nothing which is not true but at the same time I didn’t know what to tell them otherwise because I myself didn’t know what was wrong. I struggled to find words: sad, upset, scared, humiliated, anxious, fed up… but none really fit with how I was feeling. If I could really use a word it would be that i felt an intense amount of “blah”. But how do you explain that to a friend or a psychologist or a family member? Even more than that I’m the type of person who is very stubborn and honestly feels like I know everything for the most part, or that my opinion is MY opinion and no one is changing that. But when I did reach out for help, I realized I should give people more credit than I did before. Instead of assuming that I have weighed all my options, I realized that getting a second or third opinion is usually good in the long run. The biggest problem for people like you and myself is that we want to stunt our growth because we feel we have to. Where in reality, there are people who want you to keep growing, keep living, and keep learning, even if they are not vocal about it. Life is hard and society doesn’t want us to admit that. Its like a kindergarten where we are learning all of these rules and norms with other children around us but it also reminds us that returning to that innocence is where life can make us the happiest. You don’t have to figure everything out right now, there is no deadline nor should you create one. We may not know each other and these may just be little lights on a screen to you, but I hope you know that although I don’t know you, I have felt your pain and there are other options. I genuinely stumbled across this site and saw your post and it breaks my heart seeing a person who is living similarly to how I lived. I think I was meant to find this post you put up…it is so similar to how I was. I don’t know you but I want you to succeed in LIFE, in this wonderful and horribly difficult task we wake up to every day but that PAYS off. Don’t take it for granted, this is just a phase. I know you feel weak but I promise there is a strength inside of you that’s begging to be let out. I am willing to talk any time, I’m no expert but I’m a good listener. I just hope you allow yourself to live to the second most important day of your life. Your first was the day you were born, and the second is the day you find out why. You might think you know but you do not yet. Give it time, and let yourself be helped. Again, I am here to talk.
Thank so much for this it really helps that someone minds gets what I feel like
I’m still very obsessed with the thought of my death but this is very interesting none the less
Don’t be obsessed with the thought of it. It’s an enticing thought for you, “an escape”. But all that would be left behind are broken hearts and confused people wondering why. It’s not going to bring you peace and I promise you that in those last moments you will not feel relief or happiness. Its not how it is meant to be. All of this will pass in time, everyone has their struggles. Please don’t do this to yourself. Don’t waste a life when there are already so many taken every day. You’re here for a reason.