To much to handle

My name is faith and I haven’t told anybody about my real story I’m not sure if i know it very well myself, anyways it all began when I was the happiest little girl you would have ever met. My best friend was my dog Zena she was always there to listen and she was always by my side to protect me she actually saved my life a couple of times. And then she became sick where she needed to take pills for medicine and everything was fine until one day where I knew something didnt feel right the morning of a school day but I thought nothing of it so before I left I saw her looking at me with her big eyes and I said to her I love you I will see you tonight and I left for school when I came home that day I couldn’t find her so I called her name. She didn’t come so I thought maybe my parents took her for a walk or something and when they got home they told me that they had put my dog down while I was at school. After that I wasn’t the same little happy girl I became sad but I didn’t tell anyone about it, gradually over the years the sadness was built up but I didn’t recognize it. Then ever thing just got worse I hated my life I didn’t want to be around people and I always stayed in my room. Then it got to the point where I started cutting myself to make the pain go away and it worked for that little while. Everyone around me was either in a relationship or soon going to be in one and I was there all alone and felt like I wasn’t good enough and didnt deserve anyone. I believed that nobody would ever like me and I would ever get to experience what it would be like to have a boyfriend and have someone love me. I always felt like this and I don’t know what to do so I finally came to the point where I wanted to end my life, so I went into the kitchen grabbed a kitchen knife and was 2 seconds away from stabbing myself. The only thing that stopped me was my mom had just walked I to the house and would’ve seen everything. My friends suspected something was going on and so I talked about it with they saved my life a couple of times too, I still have suicidal thoughts and still cut my family doesn’t know anything and my mom and I fight a lot and she is one of the the reasons that I hate my life and want to kill myself  I want to end my pain and just end it all and die. people don’t know this but behind every smile is a story that nobody would ever understand and just because someone is breathing it doesn’t mean they are actually alive.