I will kill myself.
I just need a letter.
I’m a waste of space. A stain on society.I’m marked with my past. All over.With ink, scars. My skin is like a road map.
I have no friends. No family.
My only loving sibling is gone. Deceased for over 3 years, now. My older sister resents me. My younger sister hardly knows me.
I’m never even around.
I don’t deserve to be around.
I know I won’t be missed.
No one will ever be upset.
That’s just the way it is, I suppose.
I’m hated, anyway. Why stay in a place where you’re stuck? Where you’re hated.
Where you’re nothing but a waste?
I imagine other people around me becoming lawyers, scientists, and falling in love and creating a family of their own. One filled with happiness and joy. ‘
And I’m forever alone in a word where no one knows I exist.
The only way I’m noticed is by my father. When he’s angry, drunk, or high.
He breaks my body. I’m so small and fragile.
Compared to him. I can’t fight back.
5 comments
I haven’t been through what you have been so it would be ignorant of me to just say something like don’t do it. But when you said “I imagine other people around me becoming lawyers, scientists, and falling in love and creating a family of their own. One filled with happiness and joy. And I’m forever alone in a word where no one knows I exist.” I was able to relate a lot. I look at other people who are smart, successful, or in relationships and ask myself why am I not able to do that?
My home life isn’t anything like yours, so as I said, I can’t really relate fully. But what I have done as an alternative to improve my view on life and have hope is to create a new life. I know everyone doesn’t have all the same opportunities, but I’m planning on using college as a way to go away next year, somewhere out of state. The only thing I enjoy doing anymore is skateboarding, so I am going to go somewhere where I can start over and do what makes me happy.
I don’t know if this will help you, but sometimes suicide isn’t the only way out. There are other options we sometimes ignore when we start thinking that suicide is the answer. We only have one shot at life, why end it before you’ve tried starting over.
I was in college for 2 months. I was too fucking pressured by all the work. I couldn’t handle it. That’s my most recent attempt at suicide. I was in college in Utah. Now I’m back in San Diego.
I don’t know enough about you to tell you what it is you need to do exactly, but all I can suggest is take something you enjoy or use to enjoy in life, and make it your goal to leave everything you hate behind. Even if you never reach your goal, the hope of reaching the goal is enough to keep you going. I decided all I want to do in life is just skate and not worry about anything else. Idk if I will ever get there, but whats keeping me going is knowing theres still something that makes me happy out there
Like I said, the only sport or activity I could do is ballet.
I still have that sickness.
I can’t really get out.
I haven not left my bedroom in over two weeks.
Like I said before, I haven’t been through what you have, I don’t know your life and it would be ignorant of me to tell you to just don’t do it, to go get help, etc etc. Personally, I have never been one to go and seek help or talk to people. I have always thought that I can get through my own struggles on my own, and so far I have been able to. Our minds are powerful enough to make us hate life so much sometimes for no reason (I’m not saying you don’t have reason, you most certainly do), so shouldn’t they also have the ability to make us happy for no reason?
If you really want to make an effort to feel better and want to live, the thing most people would tell you to do is seek professional help or something. I’ve been deeply depressed and never did this though, so who am I to tell you to? I hope that if I ever get to the point where I am about to kill myself that I wouldn’t be too stubborn to give it a shot, but I can’t say for sure.
If you want things to change and to have a chance at living a happy life, then try everything. I don’t think anyone, no matter how depressed and close to suicide they are, wants to be in that position. People have been there and have gotten out happy and alive. If you want to live and be happy, try everything. If nothing else, the hope of one day being happy and accepting who you are may be enough to keep you alive long enough for something to change for the better.