I’m fairly new to these kind of sites so i’m sorry if this post isn’t perfect, but I could do with some help..
Since about June 2012, I’ve been battling with depression, and not the stereotypical depression, real depression. The kind where you feel shitty for no reason sometimes, like there’s no escape, feeling so lonely when you’re in a world with 6billion people…
What caused it? Truthfully, a lot of things just fell down around me: exam stress, nasty rumours going around, the only girl I’ve loved doing unimaginably awful things and saying such nasty stuff to me (many will point at this, but it wasn’t the sole reason).
For 7 months, I’ve had the full support of 3 terrific and amazing friends, who’ve never given up on me; until now.
After we broke up for the holidays, I was in less contact with them, so I was left to ponder and overthink things to myself, but it was becoming apparent to me that, even this far down the line, they were using me, and I was just the bit on the side. I’ve seen how stressful dealing with me is and I’ve let go for the past couple of months. But it won’t stop people, even them, using this against me as a weakness.
On christmas night, I broke. I couldn’t handle it anymore; what people has said, what they had done, how my friends are giving up on me. I reached for the alcohol and tried to overdose myself. The attempt was unsuccessful and I was admitted to hospital the next day.
Those 3 friends know of this, and 2 have given me 100% support (although it doesn’t quite feel like it), but I haven’t heard back from the 3rd and that’s worrying as well.
If you’ve read this far, thank you so much for giving up your time to read this, I just don’t know what to do anymore…
3 comments
Looks a little like my story.. Are you at about mid life?
After telling some people around me about my depression and self harm I felt they ignored me afterwards. I didn’t tell them about my suicidal thoughts and I doubt I ever will. People can’t accept seeing those they love in that much pain and I can’t cope with being the one who inflicts the pain on them so I put on my smile and tell them everything is fine.
What I’ve slowly come to realize is that most of them haven’t given up on me, they are just hesitant to be around me in case they trigger me to cut again. There were two who I lost completely after I picked up the courage to say something and that was a huge blow. I started to feel un-lovable, a freak, like I shouldn’t be allowed near anyone because I just seem to pull destruction and unhappiness behind me like a horse pulling a cart. It’s taken well over a year to come to realize that I don’t deserve to have people who will not support me in my life – those who talk behind my back and say I’m being an attention seeking whore. These two were my best friends through school and I would have done anything for them. Anything. And they turned away from me.
So I have gradually made a new best friend, someone just like me. She’s depressed, suicidal, a self harmer and we help each other. I am still deeply saddened that I lost my best friends because of my illness but I’m making new, stronger bonds with people who understand me better. There’s much more drama and we clash a lot, but I love her and I would do anything for her. Much more than I have ever wanted to do for anyone and she makes me happy and I hope I make her happy too.
I hope you can find some light in this, and realize what you have with the friends you still have. They are amazing people for trying to understand you and even if you feel you have no time, give them all you can to help them understand you better and I promise you will feel much better for it. understanding is the first step to happiness. I may still be on that first step, but I can see the second one and my god I will break my leg trying to get there.
yeah people are used to only think of themselves on the worst moments…