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I dunno

by xen

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried so hard for so long that i’ve got nothing left in the tank. What’s left for a person at this point? How do I continue to struggle on? Where can I find inspiration in a world that I detest so wholly? Why do i sit here typing in these questions hoping they’ll be magically answered?

Why is it wrong for a person who has gone their whole life caring about others to finally be selfish for once? Even if that selfish act is suicide.

I’ve no desire left to exist, I see no good coming out of my, or anyone’s, existence for that matter. in thirty years we’ll probably have blown ourselves to bits anyhow!

Bah! it’s bullshit anyway.

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22 comments

De4d 2/19/2013 - 10:58 am

Suicide isn’t a selfish act.

xen 2/20/2013 - 7:11 pm

Please explain. I’m intrigued!

Dawg 2/19/2013 - 12:46 pm

Suicide – self death – if you’ve stopped caring for the rest of the world in its entirety, why do you care what they think? There’s a huge conflict if, as you say, you detest the world and its inevitable destruction and your feeling restrained by how a world you are sure won’t be around long will interpret your actions.

if you don’t “see any good” coming out of anyone’s existence, you are simply willfully denying that it’s there – you’re choosing to look away – just like you are choosing to participate in the activity of hate/detest … yeah – hate is an activity that you have to actively participate in … of course you don’t see any good around while you’re busy hating …. it’s like wondering why no one is knitting sweaters while you’re playing in a football game.

I, as an individual human, may be inconsequential to the world – but i have 4 dogs here that if they could speak would tell you that they prefer living with me instead of sitting on death row in a concrete and steel “kennel” awaiting death – they might – just might, consider that a good thing that comes from my existence.

The choice is always yours how you view the world and what you choose to value – you’e currently chosen to focus on the whole world at one time, and only the negative aspects while completely ignoring the positives – and it IS your prerogative to do that … but by doing so you come to the conclusion that you’ve arrived at … ‘why bother”

Is it not a “good” thing that you are free to choose what to think and to choose your priorities? even if you choose to focus nothing but negative stuff, it IS your choice – no one is forcing you … and with that choice is the choice to actually see the good things around you – sunshine, puppies, rainbows, etc. … we may very well not be here 30 years from now – that is a possibility – but we have the choice on what to do with every single moment from now til then despite the possible outcomes in the distant future … i’ll be choosing to spend those moments with my mutts until i can no longer do so – that is my focus – in 30 years i can save a lot of mutts, and who knows, in 30 years maybe we won’t have blown up the world – and maybe there’ll be no animal torturers and high kill shelters – but TODAY – this day, there is these things – and i enjoy doing it – despite how useless, futile and inconsequential you think i am.

I don’t mind if you’re indifferent towards me – but do you really detest me for my existence and what i do? If not – then imagine all the other things and people you really do NOT detest/hate … and if you for some reason DO detest/hate me … why? … why would you really spend a single moment of time and energy hating someone you find so inconsequential?

You KNOW the REAL answers to your questions – stop avoiding them … go out and do something nice and/or fun for your self or for someone else and just enjoy it – don’t judge it

The point of life is not some grand big thing – it’s simply to collect pleasant memories so that at the end of your days you can look back and smile at that silly dog you had 30 years ago that did that silly thing and laugh yourself to death

Perspective is your choice

nobody dawg

xen 2/20/2013 - 7:11 pm

WOW! Way to be really patronizing!!!! If I didn’t hate myself before this I would now!

Thanks Dawg, go bark up someone else’s tree please.

Cream Soda 2/19/2013 - 2:56 pm

^^ word.

Dawg 2/20/2013 - 10:21 pm

Sorry you’ve locked yourself away in absolute blinding hatred for everything – i know nothing of you other than what you chose to share – my contribution is objective, and for you to take or dismiss how you will – i didn’t realize your questions were rhetorical – i thought you actually wanted answers and insight … apologies for wasting your time … hopefully later when you’re not as angry at everything, you’ll come back and re-read what i wrote and realize the only intent i had was to offer perspective and assistance … if you don’t want these things, feel free to turn comments off on your future posts

nomad dawg

xen 2/20/2013 - 10:49 pm

NO, no. You’re right of course. I’m a grumpy person, so you’ll have to excuse that, but I can admit when I was wrong. My apologies.

Dawg 2/21/2013 - 1:55 am

No need to apologize – everyone has their good and bad days … and believe me – i can be pretty grumpy at times myself, i just wanted to offer the alternative to you, that not everything is all bad – not you, not me, if fact the majority of people and things are good – but i’m under no illusion that there is alot of evil around too – after some of the things i’ve seen first hand, no drugs or delusions can deny that fact. Nut the world and the things and people in it are like a seesaw balancing back and forth between good and bad – sometimes it tilts more towards bad – others more towards good … but on par – shit stays generally just a little below or above neutral.

if we try to cast aside, ignore or otherwise avoid as much bad as possible we can maintain a relatively even and content balance. it’s all in the perspectve of anything we take.

Example – A trip to a friend’s house takes a half hour because of dumb drivers and bad traffic –

Choices –
A. Be mad an angry at all the assholes who held you up and wasted your time and grumble during the visit with your friends and make them unease or irritable

or

B. Be thankful you made it safely and enjoy your visit even if it’s a bit shorter

Now – i KNOW that is an oversimplification – but it is a transformational concept when you “get” that any emotion is a simple choice at its base like that.

i used to be a notorious hothead in my younger days til i learned how to implement this philosophy so i know it works – but it does take time and practice – it’s funny when i listen to the guy i work with cussing at traffic with veins a-poppin all animated and shit at traffic – and i chuckle because i’ve gotten very good at dismissing things that would normally irritate the crap out of me that i don’t even notice the things that get him steaming mad. but what’s worse is he’ll carry that shit with him for a while even after we’ve got to our destination shich carries over to the work relationship and customer interactions – when he has been “pre-irritated” he has an edgier tone and a shorter fuse with the customer for the most innocent of things.

anyway – it’s information to be used or disregarded as you or anyone else see’s fit

chilly dawg

Dawg 2/21/2013 - 2:21 am

** Correction – the REACTION to the emotion is a choice – the emotion itself is pretty primal … how we react/respond is learned and therefore can be chosen – more often than not we’ve been reacting to certain emotions the same way for so long it seems “automatic” … we’ve long stopped asking the question of what the appropriate response is – but that exactly the question we should start asking before responding with harshness or irrationally.

clarity dawg

xen 2/21/2013 - 11:39 am

Yeah I’ve been told the same thing by many therapists. You are absolutely correct in that it is a choice. Unfortunately it’s usually based on some deeper more personal problems that we’ve had for years. And therefore the emotions are more heated and stronger, and harder to control.

When is it okay to give up though? I know my limitations, I see them like the lights of a city in the distance, always creeping closer and closer.

Dawg 2/21/2013 - 12:28 pm

When is it “ok” … the society and politically correct response to that question is “never” … which i find funny because society and politics is one of the largest drivers of people to choose this “option”.

Functionally, i guess the answer is whenever you’ve decided there is no viable future … but i’d say you have to be honest and objective about the assessment as to what your future holds. too many people here are not honest with themselves and haven’t “really” tried to search out every avenue to find relief – mostly because they are consumed by anger, hatred, and anguish that they can’t/won’t try to see through. and it’s only “ok” after you’ve actually given life a real good chance and you put forth an honest effort do do everything possible first – which means basically if you’re still in school, there are way too many landmark milestones in life that could be transformational if a person really applies themselves in earnest

Take me … i’m poverty stricken, medically damaged and on the cusp of foreclosure and have even my very identity “suspended” by a well meaning government and overzealous child support workers and judges … i’m frustrated and weary from a system that just refuses to actually “see” reality … i’m broke … i work a crappy job … have no health care and yet they still think i am somehow hiding money to pay my obligations – it’s a lot of shit that most people couldn’t or wouldn’t handle … but i’m ok – i’ve found ways around most of the crap (not out of it – it’s still there).

I’m one of the oldest here on SP – i’ve dealt with a lot of shit – but had many many good times that are wondrous – i’ve met some amazing people and i’ve done a lot of good things … made many mistakes too but overall i’m happy with most of my life. so i really don’t think anyone in their teens should really ever seriously consider suicide as an option

but when i’m faced with actual homelessness, that is likely when i will implement my plan to use the helium/exit bag because i refuse to “live” like that – so everyone has their qualifying break point – but it should be extraordinary circumstances. and it really should not be emotion-driven since emotions can change so wildly and rapidly.

But through all the shit that i deal with – the one thing i refuse – and i completely reject, is that i’m going to sit here and be angry and hateful about my situation and circumstances … most things that brought me here were far beyond my control or sphere of infuence so since they weren’t my personal mistakes – there’s just no point in wasting energy being mad and sad and hateful about me or at the people around me who had nothing to do with my situation

it is what it is …

so when is it ok – that’s really your choice to determine – but how you choose to feel and act is a completely controllable choice – this was my major point for my originally commenting on your post.

but one thing i did find was, once i settled on my method after exhaustive research and deliberation, i found that having the control within my grasp actually empowered me to feel better to live life more freely – i can fight back all the while knowing that i have n escape route that no one knows about – and THAT was a stunning revelation to me because when i started this research, i fully expected to be long gone by now – so as it stands, each day is a bonus and i can pick and choose to experience only that which i find positive and valuable and reject anything i don’t want in my life.

living for the moment dawg

xen 2/21/2013 - 2:18 pm

WOW! Good for you Dawg.

It’s nice to be able to talk freely about this. I stumbled upon this site looking for ways to off myself, funny how that happens.

I look forward to more discussion with you.

xen 2/24/2013 - 10:42 am

Where do you find your willpower Dawg? What drives you forward each day giving you the strength to push past those things that drive you to the edge?

I find that once my darkness takes hold it’s either severe self harm or a week of heavy drug/alcohol abuse. To come out. I can’t see anything of value when I’m like that until close to the end, and then I start to calm down. Or to see the light.

Dawg 2/24/2013 - 3:54 pm

it’s not so much a “will” as it is literally a choice for me – i really and truly want to have a decent life – to live … and i have dealt with a lot of shit in life so in perspective, most things are just “things” – they are random and matter of fact – there is no conspiracy against me, they are nothing personal – they just “are” – both good and bad – the good things i fully embrace … the bad things i circumnavigate as best as possible but in such a way as to minimize their direct effect in my life – but once i’m past the bad things – they are of no more consequence to me beyond the experience and knowledge it took to navigate past them – in other words – the lessons

the collection of events and circumstances that brought me here- many of which are still relevant, present and still imminent, combined to for a type of perfect storm around me – and i’m still ensnared and restricted in my ability to escape – but escape is not impossible – it rarely is – but it’s important … actually crucial to not let yourself be ruled by emotion at critical times of decision.

I see many folks do the most insane things because of heartbreak – and make no mistake -it IS real and painful … BUT when someone leaves us – as much as we don’t want to admit it, they’ve actually done us a favor – because they have exposed themselves as not being fully committed to us – had they continued to stay – it would be a farce – no matter how much we wish it weren’t so – it’s just false – and i think if anyone is truly honest with themselves – they really don’t want to invest in something false – it’s usually the expended investment to that point which we tend to feel as wasted

i’ve been through several relationships/marriages – and some i was glad/relieved to be out of, others hurt like hell – but ALL taught me valuable lessons and how to make my next one better and more importantly how to identify behaviors and traits of potential people who would be more compatible partners … but most importantly i learned not to look back – what’s done is done – no amount of reliving or holding on to the past will change the history that was already in the books

so – you ask where my will comes from – tomorrow – anything beyond that is just too abstract and unpredictable – on any given day a person can either win the lottery or get hit by a bus – there are no absolute certainties

tomorrow when i wake – i CHOOSE to not rehash yesterday and by doing so -yesterday is not allowed to infect today – i choose my mood when i wake – because it is a choice i CAN make – it’s 100% within my control – to think otherwise is to be a slave to chaos

this life philosophy took me a long time to embrace – mostly because no one clued me in until my mid to late 30’s – since i’ve adopted and refined it through objective analysis (not to say it’s perfect) my perspective on life has been much more positive even though i’ve come to a place where i’ve come to consider suicide as a viable option – i only view it as an option of a last resort when circumstances dictate that life will be below a threshold which i will not tolerate – but mind you – my choice is analysed and assessed with a minimum of emotion

i wish i had been enlightened to this philosophy earlier in life – but it is what it is – instead of looking back wondering what woulda, coulda, shoulda changed had i known this earlier – i’m thankful that i know it now

i remember is sunday school there was a song we sang – about the wise man and the foolish man and where they built their houses – the wise man built his on the solid foundation of rock – the foolish man on the shifting/changing sands … of course the song suggested that the solid foundation of rock represented god/jesus/religion … but realistically, since i’m an atheist and do not believe in god etc., i consider the solid foundation as facts and truth … the sand is representative of emotion – always moving, shifting, changing – not stable and therefore unsuitable to build upon.

if you can think it and feel it – you can control it – no matter what you’ve convinced yourself of, you can control the thoughts, feelings and perspectives – but you have to KNOW you can and not surrender to them

construction dawg

xen 3/1/2013 - 4:12 pm

I’ve been trying hard dawg. You’d be proud of me. I’m choosing to be happy. Choosing to avoid the negative. I feel like I’ve not felt in years! How are you?

wrongway 3/1/2013 - 4:19 pm

I had to love Ina homeless shelter for a month… Due to a self destructing drug habit… Really it wasn’t terrible… Now I have a shot to completely change my life.

Dawg 3/4/2013 - 12:38 pm

@xen – I AM proud of you – but you should be proud of yourself – you’ve found the key to breaking the cycle of negativity … it doesn’t require you to “always” be happy or positive but you don’t have to keep feeding the anger, hate and negativity and make it grow and fester … i still often get angry or annoyed – but it’s a momentary thing that passes and i don’t allow the negative thing to continue to live within me after that moment passes because that time is now gone and has very little relevance going forward in my life. 🙂

@wrongway -make no mistake, i have no intent on “giving up” … i’ll keep doing my best to get by … but that said, i’m too old and too tired to start from scratch … if it were 10, 20 or 30 years ago, it wouldn’t be a big deal … but now? i’m just not going to so back to square one and start over with nothing if it comes to that … but it’s just a contingency for “just in case” that i’ve investigated and prepared myself for that possibility … like nuclear weapons – we’re not likely to ever use them, but still, we’ve got them.

prepared dawg

xen 3/8/2013 - 12:01 pm

Thanks Dawg. I am proud of me.

I feel compelled to ask if I can help you. If there’s something I can offer that would give you the ability to get out of your current circumstance. I care about you, you’ve helped me to see something I never thought I would. Think about it… let me know Dawg!

Not a handout, a hand up. Solidarity between two who share a common problem.

Dawg 3/12/2013 - 11:35 am

@xen – I’m hard-pressed to come up with a single thing that I need (other than money, obviously – but i refuse to ask for that) … but you can promise me a couple things …

first and foremost, keep choosing a positive outlook and continue to analyse your reactions to situations that make you upset, sad, angry, resentful etc. and dissect them and learn how the nuances and inflections of others can try to get under our skin – realize that when we KNOW they are trying to do this, we can combat it and not respond/react in the way they expect/anticipate which gives us the advantage – and it helps to keep our positive perspective.

Always exercise common sense within the constraints of the actual facts available,only use assumptions when facts are not available, and when you do use assumptions, err on the side of caution and only “assume” the most likely things – not the wildly outlandish (unless other facts reasonable point to the outlandish … which is unlikely)

Recognize that you will still have difficult days of melancholy, depression etc. – it’s not a time to give up and surrender but a time to hold on and keep calm and focus – like the waters that rage down a mountain river from a melting glacier, they become calm when they are settled into a basin – those waters will then become clear and it will be easier to see and move forward when those waters are calm and clear.

The epiphany you’ve had is a tool, like a flashlight in the dark, but it needs batteries, like any tool it needs maintenance and it requires the user to have proficiency.

Remember, you cannot force others to see what you and i see … it’s their choice to see the value or not. As cold as it might sound, if they choose negativity, we can choose to distance ourselves from their choice of negativity to limit the influence of their negativity – never underestimate the corrupting power of negativity.

And lastly – promise me – if you ever get a pet, dog cat etc. promise me that you accept that pet for it’s entire life of the pet, through all the good and bad – animals don’t harbor ill will, if you learn the psychology of a dog, you’ll lean a state of peace that most people go their whole lives looking for and many times staring right at, and never “seeing” it. you see, dogs don’t care about yesterday or tomorrow … their only concern is … now … you see, a dog will forgive his abuser almost instantly, and if that abuser never abuses that dog ever again, you’d never know from how the dog acts that the abuse ever happened in the first place … anyway, my point is – if you get a pet, make sure you can commit to it for it’s entire life and treat it with honor and kindness

content dawg

PS – if you know any hot, rich, frisky women – put a good word in for me 😉

xen 3/12/2013 - 12:02 pm

Absolutely. I promise. I’d like to stay in touch with you if that’s alright. Could I send you messages to your email address?

Dawg 3/12/2013 - 3:36 pm

Sure, you can email 🙂

postal dawg

xen 3/19/2013 - 10:59 am

Thanks dawg. I will.

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