my depression

I’m sorry to hear about your early life experiences; it is certainly understandable that you are depressed.
It is also understandable that you want to die.

I would argue however that the death your psyche longs for is not a physical death but an inner death. A letting go of attitudes, beliefs, past that is preventing the self from becoming.

The truth is life is a continual series of death and resurrections.

Early in your life you were abused and betrayed and the child self died and the self that was born is mistrustful of life. Mistrustful of the”life death life” cycle you will do anything to avoid experiencing that again. Avoiding the experience you remain stuck, and stuck you misunderstand your longing for death.

Your way out is not up but down. You must confront your experience

You hurt and struggle anyway so might as well look your pain straight only then will you be able to detach yourself from you past and let go of those attitudes that are getting in your way.

The confrontation of your experience will be a death, your current sense of self, your ego, is attached to the identity of the past so won’t go easily, but this time, if you remain conscious, the self that is reborn might be someone you like hanging around with.