My whole life I have had horrible luck. I always had to struggle for the things I wanted while the people around me just got it handed to them.
I started self harming when I was around 11 it started out as light cutting on my left arm and then once I made enough cuts I would stop until they healed
One night I decided to write a suicide note and take a bunch of pills. I took around 60 pills of all kinds, some sleeping pills, some pain relievers, some pills that were just there. What ever pills I had I took them
Some how I didn’t over dose, I just threw up for the entire next day. Since my mom had no idea what I had done she thought I had the flu so she took me to the doctors and they had to do a blood test, since they couldn’t find a good enough vain on my right arm they had to go to my left arm and that meant finding all my cuts. The doctor told me I needed to get help and that was all they could do for me..
I started going to therapy twice a week for 4 months. It ended in my therapist calling me my sisters name on accident so i stopped going.
I stopped cutting for a bit and then before you know it I’m telling my mom I wish I were dead ( breaking her heart I’m sure ) And then my sister comes over and tries to tell me everything will work out and that it will be okay and that she loves me and all I can do is cry and shiver. I’ve never felt like I’m good enough.. not for my family or friends If I had it my way I wouldn’t of been born that way i didn’t cause any problems
So here we are today ill skip over some of the details that have happened in the past year or so but now I am 19 and started cutting again. It started like a month ago. I don’t know why i started up again but the next thing you know I have 13 cuts on my arm that won’t stop bleeding. I’ve never really been too fond of deep cuts but for some reason this time it had to be deep
the cuts have healed and now I have 30+ scars on my arm they have faded though so they can only be seen in the proper light.
I have been getting the urge to take sleeping pills lately.. I have 2 whole bottles of anti depresents and I just think it would be ironic if I were to kill myself with something that was suppose to make me better… I scare myself with these thoughts. But lately that’s all that’s been going through my mind
Every time I come across a knife I think ” Is that sharp enough to make a slice?”
A 19 year old shouldn’t have to go through these things… no one should have to go through these things
2 comments
Surely a lifetime of being a failure and being able to feel/do what little you can is better than absolute nothingness, guarenteed? Enjoy the little things.
Also, in case you don’t already know: YOU decide what is ‘success’ or ‘failure’, ‘good’ & ‘bad’, not other people. Others, may express judgements and claim objectivity but in the end it is up to you to decide how much you want to accept these for yourself.
Then, YOU determine the value of ‘failure’ or ‘badness’ and whether it really means you ought to suffer or die. This means trying to detaching yourself from any self-loathing or other emotion that clouds your thinking.
If you want to stop cutting, then you have to replace cutting with something else that will give you the same satisfaction that cutting brings. Or maybe, make a conscious decision that you will no longer cut yourself and do your best to stick to that.